#1 - THE BLAIR WITCH PROJECT
Stars - Heather Donahue, Michael C. Williams, Joshua Leonard
Director - Eduardo Sanchez, Daniel Myrick
Memorable Quote - 'It's not the same on film is it? I mean, you know it's real, but it's like looking through the lens gives you some sort of protection from what's on the other side.'
Review - What a treat! A horror movie that is actually quite scary? It's been some time since I witnessed one of those. Now, I'm sure I'm a thousand years behind everyone else, but I think there's a reason that the Blair Witch has become deeply embedded in our cultural consciousness: it's simply fantastic. From the realism of the fact that the actors really were terrified and annoyed and walking around in the woods for days only to end up in the same spot, to the successful filming techniques that make it seem all the more real as well as making it scarier by allowing us to see but not hear the menace, this is an almost perfect scary movie. My one possible criticism (and I had to really think to come up with one) is that the ending felt a little closed off to me - we were presented with the murder method described earlier in the interview scenes, giving us a more concrete idea of what might have murdered them, rather than leaving it open as some unknown supernatural force that could have been the ghost of the murderer or could have been the Blair Witch, or even something different. If, like me, you've waited this long into the 21st century to see it, I advise you to do so immediately. 4.5/5
#2 - GI JOE: RISE OF THE COBRA
Stars - Christopher Eccleston, Joseph Gordon-Levitt, Byung-Hun Lee, Sienna Miller, Dennis Quaid, Channing Tatum, Marlon Wayans
Director - Stephen Sommers
Memorable Quote - "When our master was killed, you took a vow of silence. Now you will die without a word."
Review - It's hard to believe, sometimes, that people in movie universes can be quite so stupid. If I, who was only watching from a television screen and kept looking away in order to eat snacks, can recognise Joseph Gordon-Levitt from one twitch of an eyebrow, it really is amazing that his own sister and her fiance were completely unaware as to his identity even when he was stood right next to them. Still, that's Hollywood for you, and for me the whole film seemed to fall just a little bit short. Maybe it was aimed at a younger audience, or maybe I'm just jaded. Either way, it seemed a little like Star Wars for superhero-fan kids, with a couple of nods to their parents thrown in, and no true entertainment value. It passed a couple of hours for me, but the plot holes kept me from relaxing and I won't be watching it again voluntarily. A middling and forgettable effort. 2.5/5
#3 - BAD TEACHER
Stars - Cameron Diaz, Justin Timberlake, Jason Segel, Lucy Punch
Director - Jake Kasdan
Memorable Quote - Something about a squirrel
Review - Bad teacher? More like bad acting, bad casting, bad storyline. I felt nothing more than a vaguely nauseated boredom whilst watching this. The "plot twists" were obvious from the very outset of the movie, and really the protagonist is unlikeable in every way. It's quite a shame that she ended up with anyone at all quite frankly, since she basically destroys the Squirrel woman on purpose without even wanting to be with the guy she ended up with. If this was reality I should be very concerned indeed for the fate of the children in the school who needed guidance, and actually I can't be bothered to waste any more words or effort on this review. 1/5
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