Wrong Turn, Wrong Turn 2: Dead End

Wrong Turn special! Courtesy of Film4.

#1 - WRONG TURN

Stars - Desmond Harrington, Eliza Dushku, Emmanuelle Chriqui

Director - Rob Schmidt

Memorable Quote - 'We are never going into the woods again!'

Review - First of all, being a fan of both Dexter and Buffy, it was a little weird to see Quinn and Faith teaming up. However, it's pretty accurate that those two would survive, and weird coincidences abound - most notably Harrington's character's names: Joey Quinn and Chris Flynn. Typecasting at its best. So, onto the plot of this movie. It was quite predictable, in that you knew who would die when and who would survive - it pretty much played it safe by the horror movie rules. Interesting concept since it was all justified at the beginning, although even in the realms of cinema they were stretching credibility a bit by having one of the cannibals alive at the end. It was actually almost comic as they kept fighting the three in the cabin, only to have one of them get back up every time they thought they had finished another off, and it went on just long enough - longer would have become tedious. Lots of good action scenes and all that, very good in that sense also, although they had the traditional 'you deserve to die for being so stupid' moment - sitting there in the car watching someone get shot with arrows right in front of them and not figuring that therefore the arrows can also reach them. The 'shred of hope destroyed' device was well employed in the escape along the ridge, the watchtower scene, and the arrival of the police officer. All in all, not a bad little horror movie, with just enough gore and ridiculousness to stop it being actually terrifying. 4/5

#2 - WRONG TURN 2: DEAD END

Stars - Erica Leerhson, Henry Rollins, Texas Battle, Matthew Currie Holmes

Director - Joe Lynch

Memorable Quote - 'WHAT IS THAT?'

Review - Okay so whoever decided to put Henry Rollins in a horror movie was an ABSOLUTE GENIUS. Seriously, they deserve cred. Throughout the entire thing you're just waiting to see what awesome thing he might do next! Whether blowing things up, quipping, or escaping from being tied upside down even after being stabbed three or four times, he makes the movie. This was also less predictable than the first one: I would have guessed that Rollins and Mara would have survived, being the Marine and the girl who needs to believe in herself more, but no; Token black guy actually survived for once, as did alt girl with an attitude! Hooray for minorities! It also explains a lot more about the mutants, for example the fact that they do actually live in families (I always wondered how the first three would have survived anyway, being single males), and who their father was. I knew there was something off about that guy when he first popped up talking to Desmond Harrington. It was also quite interesting to have it in the format of a reality TV show, which actually made it seem more likely to happen, more real. You can't argue with a plot device that does that. My gripe with this movie would be the hardiness of the mutants - since Wrong Turn 1 they have become even tougher, and the whole clicking-bones-back-in was used a bit too much and a bit too easily, if you ask me. Just once, I'd like to see one of those things actually die first time round, like you would expect. Although to be fair many of them did succumb to the Rollinator. Finally, the meat grinder scene at the end there was really quite epic, and the treatment of the contestants went much further than the first movie - when alt girl was tied to a chair with barbed wire being a great example of this. Actually, that scene reminded me a bit of the table scene in Texas Chainsaw Massacre: The Beginning... When will those gutsy females learn to keep their mouths shut and get out a little more unscathed, hmm? Perhaps we'll be seeing another Wrong Turn movie, as hinted by the baby at the end; I certainly wouldn't object to seeing another. Also a 4/5. Bonus Rollins:

Bounty Hunter, War, Avatar

A raft of modern movies! Featuring the year's most talked about - Avatar.

#1 - BOUNTY HUNTER

Stars - Gerard Butler, Jennifer Aniston, Christine Baranski

Director - Andy Tennant

Memorable Quote - 'Life is making mistakes.'

Review - The most exciting thing about this movie is the fact that, when I went to the theatre to see The Little Dog Laughed, I saw the premiere taking place :3 Gerard Butler is very nice in the flesh, I feel I should add. The next most important thing to say is that Christine Baranski freaks me the hell out. I can't really explain it, but JESUS. Anyway, this is quite a good little romcom, but I wouldn't go in expecting anything serious or mentally challenging. It's all very easy and predictable, which isn't always a bad thing. Plus, you get to look at Gerard Butler/Jennifer Aniston all the way through (fill out your preference)! All in all, not bad. Worth watching again? Maybe not. But would I watch it again if it was on TV at Christmas? Yes, probably. 3/5

#2 - WAR

Stars - Jet Li, Jason Statham

Director - Phillip G. Atwell

Memorable Quote - 'Tom Lone is dead. My name is Rogue.'

Review - So, Jet Li's pretty cool, right? All the same, that didn't stop this from being really quite a dumb movie, considering how clever it tried to be. I was able to predict the 'shock twist' after the explosion scene, so they didn't really disguise their plot intentions very well, and in the end it was hard to believe anyway. It was one simple point that ruined the concept: Statham's character commented on the fact that Jet Li's eyes were just like Rogue's, and that's how he recognised them. Well, I'm sorry, but if this guy was supposed to be his best friend and partner, someone eh looked at every day, he would not have made the mistake. Basically what he was saying was, 'You're Asian, so you must be Rogue.' The film then has two choices - either it's dumb, or racist. I'm willing to bet the director would rather be seen as dumb. Fight scenes were good but boring, since you've seen them all before in every Hollywood movie starring Jet Li or Jackie Chan ever. Lastly, from what I've read and the fact that the casts are pretty similar, I would say don't bother with this if you're going to watch The Expendables. You might find you've watched a very similar movie. 2/5

#3 - AVATAR












Stars - Zoe Saldana, Sam Worthington, Sigourney Weaver, Michelle Rodriguez

Director - James Cameron

Memorable Quote - 'And we will show the Sky People... that they can not take whatever they want! And that this... this is our land!'

Review - So, let's just say this now: If I hate Avatar, then it will look as if I'm trying to be hip and cool, since all movie critics hate Avatar. If I love Avatar, I must be naive and a bad critic, since only members of the public love Avatar. But you know what? Screw it, let's get an unbiased review going here. First of all, I did not see this in 3D, but the graphics are certainly very beautiful. The storyline is tolerable, so long as you don't dig too deeply in your thinking about it. This is a light entertainment movie, and I think in that sense that people have been taking it too seriously. On the other hand, when you look at the other recent big disappointments, such as the last Indiana Jones, you will see that the one thing people can't stand is rules that don't work even in the movieverse. For example, the "blue monkeys" fire their weapons at the helicopters while the first attack is happening, and they are ineffectual. However, as if by magic, by the time of the second battle they suddenly have weapons strong enough to pierce the glass and go all the way through the pilots. Right, okay. Also, why on earth would we take a helicopter design that works perfectly well, and in the future, change it to something resembling a Da Vinci drawing? Why is it taken for granted that, while the Na'vi cannot tame those huge birds, a human is always going to be inherently stronger than the natives and able to do such a thing? Surely his Na'vi DNA would be weaker due to the watering down with human cells! And how cruel a message to give to an audience, that if you are in a wheelchair you can only be happy if you manage to escape to a different world and get a new body! There are so many flaws with this that the beautiful CGI work is ignored in favour of rampant criticism, something that only Cameron can be to blame for. I mean, who the hell thought it was a good plan to call something 'unobtainium'? Seriously? If you want to use ridiculous names and ridiculous concepts, make a kid's movie. It won't wash with a mature audience. 3/5

Anastasia, The Hunchback of Notre Dame, 44 Inch Chest

Bit of Disney this time, more to come as well!

#1 - ANASTASIA




















Stars - Meg Ryan, John Cusack, Kelsey Grammer, Christopher Lloyd, Hank Azaria

Director - Don Bluth, Gary Goldman

Memorable Quote - 'Oh sure, blame the bat. What the heck? We're easy targets.'

Review - This is a rewatch, of course! I don't know, suddenly I decided I wanted to relive all those old Disney childhood memories. I started off with Beauty and the Beast, but actually the animation in that was so horrible I actually gave up. It was better when I first watched it, I'm sure. ANYWAY, Ania herself was a good Disney heroine - strong, feisty, but not too proud to turn away her true love when she found him. So what if you're the lost princess to a bygone dynasty? When you've got to marry the kitchen boy, just marry the kitchen boy! Dmitry's animation grated on me a little, though - he wasn't really attractive, and appeared to move in a way that was less natural than the other characters. Star of the show, though? Bartok the bat. 3/5

#2 - THE HUNCHBACK OF NOTRE DAME



















Stars - Tony Jay, Tom Hulce, Kevin Kline, Demi Moore

Director - Gary Trousdale and Kirk Wise

Memorable Quote - 'All my life, you have told me that the world is a dark, cruel place. But now I see that the only thing dark and cruel about it is people like you...'

Review - I would begin this review with saying that this is a rewatch, but I honestly can't remember seeing it before. I looked at one of those "Disney hidden messages" things and ended up having to watch the entire movie just to see if I had seen it, and I'm still none the wiser. Still, at least now I can review it from a more adult perspective than I would have done. Basically, this is a cruel story about how a hunchback was imprisoned for his early life, then when he finally met someone who accepted him, she led him on when all along she was planning to seduce the powerful, handsome commander of the guard. WHAT A TERRIBLE THING TO SHOW TO CHILDREN. Particularly disabled ones. Anyway, good dramatic stuff, alright songs, so I suppose a good Disney move. Just cruel. 2/5

#3 - 44 INCH CHEST

Stars - Ray Winstone, Ian McShane, John Hurt, Tom Wilkinson

Director - Malcolm Venville

Memorable Quote - Just... no.

Review - Good points: John Hurt was very funny. His dialogue was great. Ian McShane was also quite funny. Bad points: The others were not funny. The dialogue for everyone else was forced and too try-hard. Ian McShane was simply playing a gay version of his character from Deadwood. You know, when I saw the trailer for this I didn't think it looked very good, and although it made me laugh a couple of times it's not an experience I would like to repeat. The storyline was ridiculous and frankly I had no sympathy for anyone. I did not care if his wife had left him. When he started hallucinating I actually switched off for a while. What was the point of the whole thing, just to show off that the director can use gritty characters or something? To try and get into the Guiness Book of World Records for most unnecessary swearing? Ridiculous waste of everyone's time. 2/5

Dot The I

Since I'm watching it online, you have the fantastic luxury of seeing my thoughts unfolding as I write this review every time the film starts buffering. Hurray for technology! Warning, though - longer than usual due to the immediacy. That's also why this is a one-film post.

#1 - DOT THE I
















Stars - Gael Garcia Bernal, Natalia Verbeke, James D'Arcy, Tom Hardy, Charlie Cox

Director - Matthew Parkhill

Memorable Quote - Kit: 'Life is not a movie.'
Theo: '... Yes it is.'

Review - Wahey, another Bernal movie! It's about time, it's been months since I last watched one. Anyway, this is what you might call a typical Bernal - very European, quite different to your average Hollywood film, and edging somewhere on the line between cute and creepy. I don't think we need to discuss Bernal's performance - all you have to do is look at my other reviews to know that I think he's wonderful. To the other characters, then - Carmen is believably fiery without seeming too contrived, which is always a good thing, and she always has great disheveled hair and make-up, so props to the people in charge of that. Cox and Hardy provide real stand-out moments of humour that had me actually laughing out loud, and though their parts were smaller they were in danger of stealing the show. The only performance I have less faith in is that of D'Arcy - usually a good bet, but here his love for Carmen felt fake and most of his lines sounded scripted, which an actor should be able to hide. Although there IS a reason for that, I think it could have been more subtly done. Perhaps it was subtle, and I'm just a critic! Anyway, the tiny flashbacks throughout the film were intriguing, and were the most part of the reason for me calling it 'creepy' - something about the noise of that cut just made me think of Saw or some kind of thriller. The little bits of humour were needed to stop it being too heavy, and while the line I've put above is the most memorable, perhaps the best line was 'Double glazing. It's a bitch.' Biggest 'ooh' moment had to be when Barnaby appeared at the window, watching Kit and Carmen, and also I have to say I would have chosen Kit too. But then the biggest 'GASP' moment came with the line, 'I lied to you.' But I have to say, I did guess the second-to-last twist (though not the very final one) about halfway through. It did not, however, tarnish my experience.

And the shooting style, too! All those cut-in anonymous video recordings, as well as the hidden cameras in some of the scenes, almost reminded me of Cache (though it goes without saying that nothing compares to Haneke). I was very impressed with the direction, because at some points the actors really do seem to be playing two different people, and that could not be done unless they were directed to act in that way. The use of the flashbacks as already mentioned was not just creepy, it was clever, since each flashback was matched to a very similar scene elsewhere. The way in which each plot twist was revealed was masterful, and although I have read comments that the twists go too far, I don't personally believe that this is true. One twist is essential to having a plot (the love story element). Two twists make an interesting plot (the secret filming element). Three twists make a fascinating plot (the awards ceremony element). And four twists? Well, four twists simply screws with your head, and I like it that way (the final collaboration element and ending).

Apart from being a fantastic piece of work as a film, it is also very self-reflexive. When Bernal is asked 'Do you want to be a star?', part of you smirks - he IS a star. When they talk about putting the camera on automatic and that real filmmakers don't do that, I certainly had a little chuckle, knowing enough photographers who would say the same thing. They even have their own fictional awards ceremony! Towards the back end of the film it almost begins to drag you in so far you don't know if you're watching a film, or actually a documentary. What's more, it raises important moral concerns that are actually very relevant right now: with the release of Catfish, which claims to be real (and judging by early reviews, probably isn't), and of course with last year's backlash against The Fourth Kind, filmmakers right now need to be watching this movie and asking themselves some moral questions about where they really want to go with their work.

With all that said and done, I think adding anything would give far too much of the plot away to be considered fair. And now I want to watch it all over again to get the bits I missed first time round. Good god, I enjoyed this film. Also, BEST ENDING EVER. 5/5

The Road, Flashdance, Red Eye

An interesting mix this time. Onwards!

#1 - THE ROAD

Stars - Viggo Mortensen

Director - John Hillcoat, Kodi Smit-McPhee, John Duvall, Guy Pearce, Charlize Theron

Memorable Quote - 'I will kill anyone who touches you. Because that's my job.'

Review - Oh, Lord. It's another one of THOSE disaster movies. Much like The Mist, this comes with a genuine stupidity moment, as Viggo drags his poor kid out into the wilderness where they face death, muggings, or starvation, instead of staying in the absolute safety of a bunker. I mean, WHAT? If you really believe you MUST get to the coast, and everyone who doesn't is going to die, then hey - wait a while. Eat all that food you just found. Then when you have enough left to carry, set off, and thanks to the mortality rate there won't be as many people around to threaten you. THIS MAKES SENSE. That old bloke deserved to die, he really did. What's more, I cannot seriously believe that after all of that time of his father teaching him to be so suspicious, the kid just trusts the next person to come along. And the woman just walks out to her death, even though she suspects she is leaving her son to a terrible fate? Sigh... and this could have done so well, too. 2.5/5

#2 - FLASHDANCE




















Stars - Jennifer Beales, Michael Nouri, Kyle T. Heffner

Director - Adrian Lyne

Memorable Quote - 'When you give up your dream, you die.' OH YEAH SOUND MEDICAL ADVICE

Review - Much like Top Gun, this is a movie without a plot - simply an excuse to see a leading man and woman kiss a lot and put in some pretty pictures of planes, or in this case, dancers. Because all those thrusting hip shots were TOTALLY NECESSARY for the plot, right? Anyway, can't say as I actually think much of her dancing, either - it was all a bit repetitive, wasn't it? No longer the other dancers looked at her with scorn! Now Tina Tech, at least she could actually do some flashy movies like that jump into the splits, but Alex? She just splashed around in some water! Also, is it not more impressive that in a man's world she was managing to make a good living as a welder? Women's lib = pushed back fifty years. 2/5

#3 - RED EYE
















Stars - Cillian Murphy, Rachel MacAdams, Brian Cox, Jayma Mays

Director - Wes Craven

Memorable Quote - 'Sometimes bad things happen to good people.'

Review - Cillian Murphy CILLIAN MURPHY good God he is just awesome, isn't he? Just... relentlessly creepy at the end. Didn't think too much of the plot or the script, but the leading actors outshone both. The pen in the throat, and then the scarf, though - those were awesome. Also, Jayma Mays is just so cute - she was great as Charlie in Heroes, and in this performance too you just want to squeeze her cheeks or something. Great little part! In summary, this is a B-movie saved only by the great work of the casting department. Interesting side note - if you put 'Red Eye' into Google images, you get the above still, 300 children, and the Queen. 3/5

The Men Who Stare at Goats, The Full Monty, Alice in Wonderland

Alright, here we go then - two films from 2009/10 and one golden oldie. Enjoy!

#1 - THE MEN WHO STARE AT GOATS

Stars - George Clooney, Ewan Mcgregor, Jeff Bridges, Kevin Spacey

Director - Grant Heslov

Memorable Quote - Lyn Cassady: 'It's ok, you can "attack" me...'
Bob Wilton: 'What's with the quotation fingers? It's like saying I'm only capable of ironic attacking or something.'

Review - Hurray, Ewan Mcgregor! It's been too long since I saw a new film of his. Anywho, this film is one of those that suffers from the trailer curse: you watch the trailer, get really excited about it, and then watch the movie, and realise that all of the good bits were already in the trailer. Loses it's impact a bit after that, doesn't it? Still, this is a very nice job as far as comedy is concerned, allowing Clooney to explore that 'wacky' image he seems so desperately to be trying to create, and letting Mcgregor deliver one of his usual roles as the bewildered, slighty out of his depth character (Stay, Moulin Rouge!). It's not bad, but it could certainly have been better. And the Jedi thing was at first a funny joke, then later on embarrassingly clumsy. Terrible shame. 3/5

#2 - THE FULL MONTY

Stars - Robert Carlyle, Mark Addy, Tom Wilkinson, Paul Barber

Director - Peter Cattaneo

Memorable Quote - 'Anti-wrinkle cream there may be, but anti-fat-bastard cream there is none.'

Review - This was actually quite refreshingly surprising for me. How many times recently have I seen a so-called classic, only to find it mediocre at best? The Full Monty, however, does not disappoint. It is actually hilarious, from start to finish, including the famous dole queue scene. It is so inherently British, moreover, that it actually makes you feel sort of proud to live in this country, though I don't really know why male strippers should make one feel proud - anyway, the point is that it's heartwarming and highly entertaining, a winning combo. 4/5

#3 - ALICE IN WONDERLAND

Stars - Johnny Depp, Anne Hathaway, Mia Wasikowska, Helena Bonham Carter, a ton of really famous people

Director - Tim Burton

Memorable Quote - 'Have you any idea why a raven is like a writing desk?'

Review - I actually think the most entertaining part of this film was the race to spot the cameos. 'That's Stephen Fry!' 'Professor Snape is the slug!' et cetera, et cetera. Although the Hatter's Futterwacken really did rival it in excitement levels. Anyway, pretty good as far as adaptations go, and pretty good as far as creepy CGI goes too. I can just sort of imagine members of the team who worked on it cackling into their coffee mugs every time they added a crazy new effect. Anyway, this isn't much of a review, so I'll get down to some proper points: parts of it were a little overdone, perhaps, and there were issues (such as Alice's dress choosing whether it can grow or not every time) that should really have been dealt with. The white Queen was really, really annoying, possibly more so than the red Queen, and I have serious doubts that Alice actually managed to restore any sort of goodness to the world. Where has all the colour gone, eh? 3/5

Reservoir Dogs, The White Ribbon, Law Abiding Citizen

Why yes, it has been a long time since I last updated. I've been too busy having motorsport related fun to watch movies, although having said that I did watch these three before the fun kicked off. But now I'm watching, and therefore posting, again!

#1 - RESERVOIR DOGS

Stars - Tim Roth, Steve Buscemi, Harvey Keitel, Micheal Madsen, Chris Penn

Director - Quentin Tarantino

Memorable Quote - 'Let me tell you what 'Like a Virgin' is about.'

Review - Well, this was not what I expected. This was BETTER than I expected. It's classic Tarantino to pull something like this off - something so messy that, while it becomes obvious that it is a movie, it actually pulls you in and makes it more real in the process. Mr Blonde, by the way, is the awesome side of crazy, not that he didn't deserve to die or anything - I'm just saying, it makes for good movie plotline. Buscemi is predictably hilarious, and Roth just as good as usual - but I really wish he wasn't so well known for his blood-curdling noises and would therefore stop making them. They make my blood curdle, it's not very comfortable. Still, all that assault of the sense is almost Haneke-esqe. Oh, yeah, talking of Haneke... 3.5/5

#2 - THE WHITE RIBBON (Das weisse Band)

Stars - Christian Freidel, Ernst Jacobi, Maria-Victoria Dragus, Leonard Proxauf

Director - Michael Haneke

Memorable Quote - 'Was ist Tod?' ('What is death?')

Review - I have no idea if the above quote is correctly spelled, by the way. That aside, I have to say that first and foremost this film is BEAUTIFUL. Haneke says in the DVD interview that he was influenced by the work of August Sander (one of his photographs, which is by coincidence my personal favourite photograph of all time, is below the review), and you can certainly see that influence shining through. Each frame of the movie could easily be a photograph in its own right, beautifully composed and toned in strong contrast. The whole piece is shot in black and white, which adds a lot to the feeling of tension and suspense created by the mystery. Also the fact that the ending is left open, a typical Haneke trait, is a stroke of genius. I'm sure everyone that watches it will have a very strong feeling about who they personally think was behind the 'mysterious happenings' and why, so it makes a very good talking point. The one flaw, in my opinion? Casting. Christian Freidel isn't good looking enough to be a main man, and often I was distracted from the storyline or the beauty of the composition by thinking 'My, but that's a bulbous chin' or 'Goodness, what a truly ugly man'. 4.5/5


#3 - LAW ABIDING CITIZEN

Stars - Gerard Butler, Jamie Foxx, Christian Stolte

Director - F. Gary Gray

Memorable Quote - 'If Clyde wants you dead, you're dead.' also, '...Or I kill everyone.'

Review - Once again, a film that fulfills my wish for criminal intelligence! Too often are the bad guys also the dumb guys, but this movie completely reverses that. Not only does it create a mastermind who can seemingly kill anyone from anywhere (sort of like Death Note's Kira), but it also creates an interesting good/evil question, blurring the line beyond recognition and asking us, the audience, to find it again. And the truth is, while you do feel a little for Foxx's clear underdog, you know that Butler's anger is justified. Perhaps not justified enough to allow him to kill a whole parking lot of court officials, but still pretty justified. A satisfying film with what is perhaps a slightly unsatisfying ending, given that you do empathise with Butler - but then, the American dream can't allow a criminal mastermind to reach the end alive, even if he is a victim himself. 4/5