The Blair Witch Project, GI Joe: Rise of the Cobra, Bad Teacher

#1 - THE BLAIR WITCH PROJECT

Stars - Heather Donahue, Michael C. Williams, Joshua Leonard

Director - Eduardo Sanchez, Daniel Myrick

Memorable Quote - 'It's not the same on film is it? I mean, you know it's real, but it's like looking through the lens gives you some sort of protection from what's on the other side.'

Review - What a treat! A horror movie that is actually quite scary? It's been some time since I witnessed one of those. Now, I'm sure I'm a thousand years behind everyone else, but I think there's a reason that the Blair Witch has become deeply embedded in our cultural consciousness: it's simply fantastic. From the realism of the fact that the actors really were terrified and annoyed and walking around in the woods for days only to end up in the same spot, to the successful filming techniques that make it seem all the more real as well as making it scarier by allowing us to see but not hear the menace, this is an almost perfect scary movie. My one possible criticism (and I had to really think to come up with one) is that the ending felt a little closed off to me - we were presented with the murder method described earlier in the interview scenes, giving us a more concrete idea of what might have murdered them, rather than leaving it open as some unknown supernatural force that could have been the ghost of the murderer or could have been the Blair Witch, or even something different. If, like me, you've waited this long into the 21st century to see it, I advise you to do so immediately. 4.5/5

#2 - GI JOE: RISE OF THE COBRA

Stars - Christopher Eccleston, Joseph Gordon-Levitt, Byung-Hun Lee, Sienna Miller, Dennis Quaid, Channing Tatum, Marlon Wayans

Director - Stephen Sommers

Memorable Quote - "When our master was killed, you took a vow of silence. Now you will die without a word."

Review -  It's hard to believe, sometimes, that people in movie universes can be quite so stupid. If I, who was only watching from a television screen and kept looking away in order to eat snacks, can recognise Joseph Gordon-Levitt from one twitch of an eyebrow, it really is amazing that his own sister and her fiance were completely unaware as to his identity even when he was stood right next to them. Still, that's Hollywood for you, and for me the whole film seemed to fall just a little bit short. Maybe it was aimed at a younger audience, or maybe I'm just jaded. Either way, it seemed a little like Star Wars for superhero-fan kids, with a couple of nods to their parents thrown in, and no true entertainment value. It passed a couple of hours for me, but the plot holes kept me from relaxing and I won't be watching it again voluntarily. A middling and forgettable effort. 2.5/5

#3 - BAD TEACHER

Stars - Cameron Diaz, Justin Timberlake, Jason Segel, Lucy Punch

Director - Jake Kasdan

Memorable Quote - Something about a squirrel

Review - Bad teacher? More like bad acting, bad casting, bad storyline. I felt nothing more than a vaguely nauseated boredom whilst watching this. The "plot twists" were obvious from the very outset of the movie, and really the protagonist is unlikeable in every way. It's quite a shame that she ended up with anyone at all quite frankly, since she basically destroys the Squirrel woman on purpose without even wanting to be with the guy she ended up with. If this was reality I should be very concerned indeed for the fate of the children in the school who needed guidance, and actually I can't be bothered to waste any more words or effort on this review. 1/5

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Once Upon a Time in the West, Pulp Fiction, RED

#1 - ONCE UPON A TIME IN THE WEST

Stars - Charles Bronson, Jason Robards, Claudia Cardinale, Henry Fonda, Gabriele Ferzetti

Director - Sergio Leone

Memorable Quote - 'He not only plays. He can shoot too.'

Review - Good lord, Morricone is a genius of our time, is he not? The musical score in this is spine-tinglingly good, to the extent that some of the action was actually written to the score - a technique that delivers amazing results. Even in less obvious compositions, such as the frankly amazing opening scene, sound is all-important and used to its full potential. Harmonica Man may actually be less famous than his own theme music, but he's a damn good Western character, with a tragic backstory to avenge, a preternatural ability to only show up at pivotal moments, and the ability to outfox every other character on screen. Cheyenne is a lovable rogue, a man you almost want to see end up with the heroine after all, and his final scene is both poignant and a great summary of the character himself. Frank is suitably evil throughout, while Morton is instead a pitiable figure; Jill, meanwhile, is a perfect female lead for a Western: gutsy, strong of character, and not afraid to play a few games herself. The plot is driven, and it drives us on to the finish - as each character tries to outwit the other, we gradually boil away all of the deception and bravado until we finish with the simple contest of two men, who will blink first, and who is quicker with a gun. This is Western movie gold.

Here's a final thought to sum up the awesomeness of this movie: the three guys on the train platform at the start were originally supposed to be Blondie, Angel Eyes, and Tuco. Imagine that as the start of a Western. Imagine that. 5/5

#2 - PULP FICTION

Stars - Samuel L. Jackson, John Travolta,  Uma Thurman, Bruce Willis, Tim Roth, Ving Rhames

Director - Quentin Tarantino

Memorable Quote - 'They speak English in "what"?!'

Review - What a classic! One of the most quotable films in existence, you can't go far on the internet before running across a line from this. Like many of Tarantino's films, it is punchy, bloody, and memorable. Each character is well-formed and distinct, with even Bruce Willis managing to look as if he's actually acting. Jackson is clearly the stand-out performance - not surprising when you consider that the role was written for him - but Roth is also a star as the restaurant-robbing 'Pumpkin'. I could go on and on about how awesome this movie is, too, but if you've seen it you already know that. If you haven't seen it, what are you waiting around reading this review for? Go watch it now! 5/5

#3 - RED

Stars - Bruce Willis, Morgan Freeman, John Malkovich, Helen Mirren, Mary-Louise Parker, Karl Urban

Director - Robert Schwentke

Memorable Quote - 'You just got your ass handed to you by a goddamned retiree!'

Review - There's one thing I'll always stand by: no one does insane guy who wants to kill everybody like John Malkovich. I mean, Steve Buscemi's pretty good at it, but come on... John Malkovich! Here at his rambling best, he joins a cast that have certainly seen better years - though I actually fail to see much difference in the age-based evolutionary stages of Bruce Willis between now and the movie above. When they talk of aging it is with a certain poignancy, since these are actors who have graced our screens since they were much younger, now finding themselves relegated to the older-person roles. It's funny, convincing, and above all fun, and while it won't be winning any awards for the cleverest film, it's certainly more than enough entertainment for a night in. Who can argue with a cast list like that, anyway? Stick any more screen legends in it and you wouldn't have room on the front of the DVD! 4/5

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Splice, The Jacket, Trainspotting

#1 - SPLICE

Stars -  Adrien Brody, Sarah Polley, Delphine Chanéac

Director - Vincenzo Natali

Memorable Quote - 'If you could understand crazy, it wouldn't be crazy.'

Review - 'Splice' is about two young scientists, incredibly gifted and in love to boot, who discover a way to mix DNA from different sources to create a life-form that can cure many diseases. When they are forbidden from including human DNA in the mix, they go ahead and do it anyway, and their secret project becomes humanoid female Dren, a creature with strong rabbit-like legs, a lethally barbed tail, and several other unique abilities. Hilariously, someone cast as Brody's younger brother has been Brody-fied, seemingly for not much reason considering that he only has about four speaking lines. Although we start with seemingly innocent experimentation and a need to be a mother, we quickly descend into something far more horrifying as Dren's abilities soon put her out of her 'parents'' control. The conclusion is bloody, and certainly raises ethical questions about parenthood as much as it does about experimentation. Brody fans will love it, realism fans perhaps not as much. 4/5.

#2 - THE JACKET

Stars - Adrien Brody, Keira Knightley, Kris Kristofferson, Daniel Craig

Director - John Maybury

Memorable Quote - 'Sometimes I think we live through things only to be able to say that it happened. That it wasn't to someone else, it was to me.'

Review - Ah, must have been Adrien Brody week when I was watching these. Well, this is actually quite a pleasing watch, as it will give modern viewers the shock of their lives: Keira Knightley, being American, getting naked like she always used to, and actually having skin on her actual bones. For once she does not seem about to snap in half, although whether that is due to her weight or to the fact that Jack Starks keeps propping her up is in debate. This slightly strange time-travel story follows Starks after being shot in the head in Iraq, losing his memory functions, and being implicated in a murder of which he is innocent. Sentenced to insanity, he is put into the jacket as part of a new psychological experiment that ought to cure him, according to his doctor. Instead, he discovers the ability to move forward in time by fifteen years, in order to try to solve his own death. Brody is of course compelling - he really does look sick for most of it, and when we are locked into the jacket along with him the scene is harrowingly personal. My one disappointment is that Craig's character - brilliantly acted, actually, and very interesting - seems little more than an extended cameo. Still, a good effort. 4/5

#3 - TRAINSPOTTING

Stars - Ewan McGregor, Johnny Lee Miller, Ewen Bremner, Robert Carlyle

Director - Danny Boyle

Memorable Quote - 'Choose Life. Choose a job. Choose a career.'

Review - A classic this, and for good reason. Though the characters may glorify heroin, the film itself does not, and we follow these five unfortunates through their experiences with the drug. Renton wants to stop using it, but cold turkey's incredibly hard. Sick Boy can stop any time he wants, but it takes nothing short of tragedy to convince him he wants to. Spud's desperation to get money for the drug lands him in jail, while Begbie's rejection of it does nothing to stop the police hunting him down over his anger problems. Finally, Tommy seems to be leading a great life, until his curiosity over his friends' habits becomes too much to resist. With many memorable and harrowing scenes (Baby Dawn, the Worst Toilet in Scotland, Renton's withdrawal, the fight in the pub), you can't help but actually feel a little bit relieved when Renton walks away from it all at the end. Sure, Sick Boy and Begbie might miss out a bit, but at least you feel that Renton might have a chance at actually getting that life he's chosen. Disgusting, shocking, funny, and moving - an essential watch for anyone over the age of eighteen, I'd say. 5/5

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La Confusion des Genres, Un Jour de L'Ete, Never Let Me Go

#1 - LA CONFUSION DES GENRES

Stars -  Pascal Greggory, Nathalie Richard, Julie Gayet, Cyrille Thouvenin

Director - Ilan Duran Cohen

Memorable Quote - n/a

Review - Bit of a strange one, this. Alain has several problems in his life: their names are Laurence, his (female) boss, who he decides to marry for mutual benefit instead of love, Christophe, his young gay lover who tells him to be with whoever he wants (but that he doesn't have to be happy about it), and Marc, his jailed client who obsessively asks him to contact his ex-girlfriend. 'Confusion' is something that abounds here, and though much of the film follows him in and out of the beds of the people in his life, there's time for some characterisation too: Greggory does a great job of showing the little childish habits of Alain, as he fiddles constantly when discussing important subjects and slouches against the walls. The ending seems almost to give an idea of happiness for the future, although ambiguously so: will he just slip right back into his old ways? I would imagine that this film is not for everyone, but it is interesting nonetheless. 3.5/5.

#2 - UN JOUR DE L'ETE

Stars - Baptiste Bertin, Catherine Mouchet, Jean-Francois Stevenin, Theo Frilet

Director - Franck Guerin

Memorable Quote - n/a

Review - Somewhat of a B-movie, this. The storyline never quite gets underway, though it has a ton of dramatic potential. A French town is left reeling after the accidental death of a teenage boy: who was to blame? How can his friends cope with his death? And just what were those feelings that his supposed best friend really felt for him? Although it purports to be a coming-of-age, coming-out-of-the-closet story the film itself shies away from these elements, leaving us only the barest hints as to what our main character truly feels. Indeed, it seems just as likely that he may have a crush on his best friend's sister or mother than his sort-of friend, with whom he shares a strange and disjointed relationship. If you're expecting a big storyline with dramatic twists, this isn't the place for you: the most dramatic part of the whole lot is a dream sequence, and the majority of it is filmed inside cars. 2.5/5

#3 - NEVER LET ME GO

Stars - Carey Mulligan, Andrew Garfield, Keira Knightley

Director - Mark Romanek

Memorable Quote - 'It had never occurred to me that our lives, so closely interwoven, could unravel with such speed. If I'd known, maybe I'd have kept tighter hold of them.'

Review - Starting out as a simple tale of affection between two schoolchildren at an uptight British boarding school, it soon becomes clear that there is more to this film than at first assumed. Based on a Kazuo Ishiguro novel, the tone throughout is one of almost unearthly strangeness - the quiet and softness belies the theme. It transpires that our three protagonists are facing something worse than a love triangle - the fact that all three of them have been 'grown' as organ donors, and their lives exist only for this purpose. The crushing reality that they face can perhaps be taken as a warning - a message for how far we are willing to go in the future. As for the acting, I rather wish Knightley hadn't been in this as her "star status" outshines the role, when it should be Garfield and Mulligan that take the spotlight (as indeed they try valiantly to do - Mulligan with a strong, emotive performance and Garfield perfectly awkward with natural mannerisms). Without giving away the ending, I'd say this is one that is worth watching. A good show all round, really. 4/5

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The Killer, True Grit, The Sons of Katie Elder

#1 - THE KILLER

Stars -  Chow Yun-Fat, Danny Lee, Sally Yeh, Kong Chu

Director - John Woo

Memorable Quote - ' I believe in justice, but no one believes in me.'

Review - John Woo's gangster epic (which one? I hear you say) is a lot more philosophical than you might at first give it credit for. Following the exploits of an assassin taking on one last job out of compassion, he needs to take the money in order to pay for a cornea operation to prevent a singer he accidentally injured from going blind. Pursued by a cop whose morals seem somehow to be quite similar to his own, he must also battle the triads who are out to kill him. Imbued with gentle tones and shots that contrast the two very similar men, a large amount of the film is beautiful in its close ups and high-powered gunslinging action. At the climax we can but cheer on the protagonists as they attempt to battle their way out of a half demolished church. The final scene, as the killer and the singer crawl past each other in the darkness, is a stark reflection of the perils of the new gangster lifestyle that both protagonists bemoan. Although there seem to be syncing problems early on and the music is distinctly 80s, don't let it put you off: it's worth getting through this one. 4/5.

#2 - TRUE GRIT (1969)

Stars - John Wayne, Glen Campbell, Kim Darby, Robert Duvall, Jeff Corey

Director - Henry Hathaway

Memorable Quote - 'I call that bold talk for a one-eyed fat man.'

Review - I reviewed the new 'True Grit' a while back, mentioning there that I had never seen the original. Well, now I have, and it's really made me appreciate what a fantastic piece of work the newest one is. This original is a lot softer - everyone gets along for most of the way, Mattie recovers just fine from her fall, and there seems to be a lot less danger in general. It's a shocking moment when Quincy chops off Moon's fingers nonetheless, and indeed I found his death more poignant in this version. Wayne is wooden as ever, Campbell is only somewhat useful, and the goofs are numerous (rubber guns and nylon tights being the most anachronistic). While all the potential was there, one suspects it was held back by something - a theory that holds water when considering the greatness of the newest version. Still, a classic's a classic, and it does pretty well in its field. 4/5

#3 - THE SONS OF KATIE ELDER

Stars - John Wayne, Dean Martin, Michael Anderson Jr, Earl Holliman, Jeremy Slate, James Gregory

Director - Henry Hathaway 

Memorable Quote - 'Here's a present for you!'

Review - Well, here's one unintentionally hilarious Western for you. Dean Martin turns out to be the most convincing cowboy of the lot, John Wayne plays John Wayne, and the main character isn't even in the film. With a round of awful slapstick acting in the form of the youngest son, and an actually kind of funny fight scene, the film descends into your average Western fare: the Elders are double-crossed and their names blackened, a shootout ensues in which one of them (the boring one) dies, and finally John Wayne is the last of his family left standing. He seeks out justice by blowing up a man and an entire store of guns, somehow without killing anybody else, and the newly-appointed sheriff shrugs his shoulders. Them's the breaks when you're in a Western, kid. Not the best, not the worst - 3.5/5

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Atame, Shaun of the Dead, Day of the Dead

#1 - ÁTAME! (TIE ME UP, TIE ME DOWN)

Stars -  Antonio Banderas, Victoria Abril, Loles León, Francisco Rabal 

Director - Pedro Almodóvar

Memorable Quote - ' Atame!'

Review - What a great piece of film work! Atame! is the strange tale of how a man just released from a mental hospital kidnaps the woman he loves, so that she in turn can fall in love with him. Used by film students the world over as a case study, it is in some ways just as shocking now as it was in 1990, although the shock value comes from an accurate portrayal of character rather than from simple desire to shock. At first the premise seems ridiculous, but the story we gradually build up of both Ricky's and Marina's troubled past, along with the way he treats her - quite gently, for a kidnapper - allows us to accept that she would feel worried for him after he is injured, and from there develop stronger feelings. The last scene seems somewhat surreal - it's confusing that Lola would accept things so easily, until we remember that she is implicated in her sister's pornographic career as an instigator - though as they sing into the distance it's a strange sense of hope they carry with them. Perhaps they can have a normal life with a normal family and love each other, after all. That feeling will be the one you take away, making this an enjoyable watch. 5/5.

#2 - SHAUN OF THE DEAD

Stars - Simon Pegg, Nick Frost, Kate Ashfield, Dylan Moran, Lucy Davis, Bill Nighy, Jessica Hynes

Director - Edgar Wright

Memorable Quote - 'You've got red on you.'

Review - This is a re-watch, and what a beautiful British comedy it is. The cast list are a who's-who of comedy film Brits, with most having also graced our screens in successful TV shows, and the humour within is of course quintessentially British. Centering around the daily visit to the local pub as much as it does around the zombie apocalypse, even repeated viewings do nothing to dull the funniest moments; Bill Nighy is of course fantastic, and Pegg is as endearingly useless as ever. There are many clever devices used - the automatic walk to the shops contrasted with before and after the zombies, the zombie-like state of the morning, the team led by Yvonne who are the doubles of Shaun's team...It goes on. The relationships between the characters are often another source of humour (Moran's character being in love with Ashfield's, Shaun's mum, his most definitely not a dad but a step-dad, etc). What can I say? If you haven't seen this yet, what are you playing at? 5/5

#3 - DAY OF THE DEAD (2008)

Stars - Mena Suvari, Nick Cannon, Michael Welch, AnnaLynne McCord, Stark Sands, Ian McNiece, Ving Rhames

Director - Steve Miner

Memorable Quote - 'You see this? This is a machete. Unappreciative ass. See if I save your ass again.'

Review - Yet another film that I haven't seen the original of! Wheee. From what I've read it's so different from the original that it barely matters. Well, anyway, this zombie offering was kind of alright, I suppose, but it lacked any kind of real impact. There was humour in it, but it was marred by racist undertones that were supposed to be amusing because it was a black man saying them instead of a white man, and childish joking around that annoyed me rather than making me laugh. The interesting part of the movie was the sweet, shy soldier Bud and his transformation into a zombie - along with his retention of romantic feelings for lead girl Sarah. If only this had been developed a bit more this could have been a really interesting film, with something new to offer, but unfortunately that went right out of the window when this plot line was simply discarded. The super-scientist zombie is foolish, and I certainly don't think that real zombie-genre fans would be accepting of the idea in this setting. A waste of some good potential here - perhaps thirteen producers was a bit too much. 2/5

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Martyrs, Pirates of the Caribbean: On Stranger Tides, The Matrix

#1 - MARTYRS

Stars -  Morjana Alaoui, Mylène Jampanoï

Director - Pascal Laugier

Memorable Quote - ' It's so easy to create a victim, young lady, so easy.'

Review - Martyrs, like a few I've reviewed recently, is really two films masquerading as one. The first part is a horror/redemption story: haunted by the memory of her abduction and torture as a child, and by the girl she could not save, Lucie tracks down the family that did it to her and murders them all. While certainly containing a lot of gore, and holding some key horror elements, it is not really scary. It's clear even from the start that the 'demon' attacking Lucie is in her own mind, and the only emotion it evokes is pity as she is unable to refrain from hurting herself. Ana is a sympathetic character, both disgusted by Lucie's options but wanting to comfort Lucie herself, making her very believable. The second half of the film, unfortunately, is not as palatable as the first.

As Ana was captured I felt a sinking feeling; I could see there was a large amount of the film left, and I had a  good idea of what was coming. At that point I did not want to watch any further. If I was watching it casually, and not intending to review, I would have turned it off. The hour of what I can only describe as torture porn is not pleasant at all, and quite frankly the entire concept is ridiculous. The message of the final scene is far too weak to outbalance the glee felt by her captors, and I cannot help but think that this is a film that would inspire copycats rather than deter them. Sometimes you have to draw a line between what is acceptable in film and what is not. In my personal opinion, this goes too far. I would give the first half 3/5, the second not even a 0/5. You will gain nothing by watching this, so I advise you not to.

#2 - PIRATES OF THE CARIBBEAN: ON STRANGER TIDES

Stars - Johnny Depp, Penelope Cruz, Ian McShane, Geoffrey Rush, Kevin McNally, etc

Director - Rob Marshall

Memorable Quote - 'Did everyone see that? Because I will not be doing it again.'

Review - I'll say two things about this. First, I'm glad they've moved away from the Will/Elizabeth side of things, since the only way that would have taken the franchise would have been down. Second, I'm disappointed they cast Ian McShane, because the only way he's taken the franchise is down. I mean, really - Ian McShane?! I know he has a bigger profile in the US right now thanks to 'Deadwood' and all that, but... Ian McShane?! What were they thinking?! Cruz just about pulls it off and Depp is as fantastic as expected, but unfortunately the most interesting part of the movie was the preacher/mermaid subplot. Cameos from other familiar faces were there just to please those who've seen the other films, and I fear that this is yet another victim of the "fourth movie curse". Let's face it, it's not very hard to make a brilliant movie when you've got Johnny Depp playing one of his most likable characters ever. Someone, somewhere needs to wise up. 3/5

Alright, admit it, you only wanted to read this review for pictures of Johnny Depp, didn't you? Here you go then:

#3 - THE MATRIX

Stars - Keanu Reeves, Laurence Fishburne, Carrie-Anne Moss, Hugo Weaving

Director - Andy and Lana Wachowski

Memorable Quote - 'Unfortunately, no one can be told what the Matrix is. You have to see it for yourself.'

Review - What an appropriate quote! And yes, it has taken me until the year 2011 to get round to watching The Matrix, and since I am almost certainly the only human being with eyes that had not seen it before now, I suppose this review is verging on being entirely pointless. Still, I would like to say that I enjoyed it, despite the fact that there were many plot holes that were actually created by things being taken out of the film (such as Cypher's ability to go into the matrix with no outside help, being explained by his programming skills), and despite the fact that everyone just looks so nineties. I'm not one to question Neo's tastes, but I suppose if Trinity was the one woman available to him then he sort of had to pretend to fall in love with her, really. That's the only explanation that makes sense to me. Still, can't help but cheer a bit at the end, and admire the bullet time sequences as truly visionary. The films that everyone has seen hold that status for a reason - as clearly demonstrated here. 4/5

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Disaster Movie, Age of Heroes, Ironclad

#1 - DISASTER MOVIE

Stars - Matt Lanter, Vanessa Minnillo, Gary Johnson, Nicole Parker, Crista Flanagan, Ike Barinholtz

Director - Jason Friedberg, Aaron Seltzer

Memorable Quote - ... n/a

Review - Dear lord, do they actually make franchises out of this crap? I'll admit I only decided to watch this because I was ill and wanted to laugh at something stupid, but I barely managed that. Some parts of this were stupid, yes; the problem lies in the fact that the parts that weren't stupid were ridiculously stupid. Probably the only funny part was the insult-off involving the Prince, with his posh accent. Half of the impressions made little sense (Amy Winehouse with fangs?), and half of the movies they spoofed weren't even disaster movies. One of the main characters was Juno, for goodness' sake! One of the cuts was the wrong way round in such an obvious way that we saw character reaction before the event... and I could go on. It's a shame because the actors involved, particularly Lanter, Parker, and Flanagan, have real skill and could probably go far with the right material. I could easily see Lanter in the kind of teen disaster movie they were parodying here; though if I was a casting director, this is the kind of thing that could put enough of a black mark on a resume to make me hire someone else. Such a shame that talented people put their effort into such a worthless piece of film. 2/5

#2 - IRONCLAD

Stars - James Purefoy, Brian Cox, Kate Mara, Derek Jacobi, Paul Giamatti, Mackenzie Crook

Director - Johnathan English

Memorable Quote - 'You are no more a king than the boil on my arse!'

Review - Oh, dear. What a shame! This could have been one of the best of its genre. It had all of the ingredients: a heavily embellished medieval war story, an underdog element to rival '300' except they actually win, a great British cast, even a love story... and yet. Something, somewhere along the line falls slightly flat. The effects are visceral, but perhaps a little too much effort was put into producing horrific wounds and deaths that should have been spent elsewhere; some of the mise en scene is fantastic, but the wider graphics tend to fall a little short; the elements of the plot are all there, but not enough time is invested into really exploring them. How does the young woman really feel about her husband and his death? Does Purefoy's character resent her advances or welcome them? Does he feel guilt for breaking his vows? I'm also dissatisfied with the "happy ending", in which the two of them ride away penniless, probably to be shunned by all and sundry as a woman who abandoned her Lord and a man who broke his vows. Not to mention the fact that the people were already antagonistic towards him earlier in the film, I hate to imagine just how the two of them would have spent the rest of their days. Oh, and of course nothing in the film actually happened in this way in reality. 3/5

#3 - AGE OF HEROES

Stars - Sean Bean, Danny Dyer, James D'Arcy, Izabella Miko, John Dalgleish

Director - Adrian Vitoria

Memorable Quote - 'Let's have a family photo.'

Review - The title may not convey it, but this is in fact the story of how Danny Dyer was a bit of a geezer  but his heart was in the right place, but he got put in army jail anyway. Then Sean Bean whisked him off to be a commando in the hills and eventually they went to fight Nazis in Norway, whilst making sure that Alfie from 'Lark Rise' doesn't get captured. Almost every fact in the entire thing is fabricated, of course, and quite frankly if that was the first commando mission I would have disbanded the commandos for being patently rubbish. The Nazis were on their tracks for the whole movie, managed to work out that they would return to the farm, captured one of them, and they even took a civilian back with them, which they weren't really supposed to do. James D'Arcy has a pretty much unnecessary role as Fleming, but I'm not complaining because, hey, it's D'Arcy. All in all a bit odd, but a slightly interesting watch when you've nothing better to do. 3/5

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La Horde, Knight and Day, Night of the Living Dead

#1 - LA HORDE

Stars - Claude Perron, Jean-Pierre Martins, Eriq Ebouaney, Doudou Masta, Yves Pignot

Director - Yannick Dahan, Benjamin Rocher

Memorable Quote - 'Come on, you old farts!'

Review - This, along with Mutant, is part of something I have very much enjoyed so far: the French zombie scene. For whatever reason, it seems that the French approach zombies differently to American (terrifying, stark, lots of gore) and British (funny, lots of gore) directors. This take on the genre sees a group of policemen who have decided to take vengeance for the death of another cop into their own hands, rather than using the law, storm the block of flats where the killer and his gang hide out. Although they are almost immediately caught by the gang and held captive, this is the least of their worries, as today happens to be the day that the dead rise. Rather than an infection, this is presented as a case that affects all the dead; a bite will cause gangrene, the gangrene will kill you, and then you will rise again as a zombie. The only thing that seems to stop them is a shot to the head or taking out their legs, and they are super fast and super strong. The action is pretty intense, as every single fight scene is epic and long - see Aurora throwing a fridge on top of one zombie, and Ade bashing another's head against a concrete post until his face is gone. Dramatic and full of shouting, screaming, running, gunshots, quick fighting, rampages - this will lead you in a headlong rush from start to finish, and while the ending may cause you to despair at humanity, it is exciting all the way to the credits. If you're up for gore, heroics, fight scenes and emotion, look no further. 4.5/5

#2 - KNIGHT AND DAY

Stars - Tom Cruise, Cameron Diaz, Paul Dano, Peter Sarsgaard, Marc Blucas

Director - James Mangold

Memorable Quote - 'I've been trained to dismantle a bomb in the pitch black with nothing but a safety pin and a Junior Mint, I think I can get you in and out of some clothes without... looking. I'm not saying that's what I did.'

Review - Well. At this point Cruise has become typecast enough that I don't actually have a problem with him being a spy/agent/secret person etc etc. That doesn't stop him from being totally smarmy, nor does it stop Diaz from being annoyingly faux-ditzy, an act which only ever lasts for a scene or two before she suddenly becomes able to dodge bullets and fight gangsters. Because I'm sure that all normal people would react in exactly the same way. It's a shame, because with a castlist that includes Paul Dano (a genius of our time) and Peter Sarsgaard (forever creepy, forever powerful), this could have been something really special. Instead, it's so-so, and the action takes over the acting. Maybe it's a little impressive that Cruise does his own stunts, but then on the other hand if I wanted to see stunts I'd look for a stuntman, not an actor. Meanwhile, it's nice to see Blucas of Buffy fame back on the screens, and he's cute but oh-poor-him as ever. A lot of the plot was full of holes and irritating for it, and you can't take this as anything other than the light-hearted side of the Die Hard genre. Even more lighthearted than 'Mr and Mrs Smith'... if that's possible. 3/5

#3 - NIGHT OF THE LIVING DEAD

Stars - Duane Jones, Judith O'Dea

Director - George A. Romero

Memorable Quote - 'We may not enjoy living together, but dying together isn't going to solve anything.'

Review - From a modern French zombie flick, back to the movie that inspired it and all others like it. 'Night of the Living Dead' is a true classic. Despite the fact that it was filmed in black and white, despite the outdated ways of talking and dress, despite the low-budget and rather DIY special effects, this still has a real visceral power that will scare even the most ardent horror fan. With an ending that was perhaps the most important plot twist in the history of cinema - certainly a plot twist that still shocks when it is used today - and the portrayal of a black man as the educated, brave hero at a time of racial tension, this film is incredibly important even before taking into account the fact that the zombie walk, the way they devour the living, and even their vacant expressions stem from this film and the decisions made by those involved. Created on a shoestring budget and refused by all distributors before its eventual release, this is a clear proof of what can be achieved if you really put your mind to it. Tiny budget, no-star cast, sfx that included the use of ping pong balls for eyes - nothing was going to stop this becoming a classic, and a classic it is - rightfully so. 6/5

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A Single Man, Saw 3D, Source Code

#1 - A SINGLE MAN

Stars - Colin Firth, Nicholas Hoult, Julianne Moore

Director - Tom Ford

Memorable Quote - 'Just get through the goddamn day.'

Review - This is such a beautiful piece of film work. It's so clear that this was directed by a fashion designer; the colours were so brilliantly arranged, with the characters even explicitly telling us the meaning of the casts over each scene, and the overall look is fantastic. Everything is so carefully put together, and the plot itself is both intriguing and emotional. The acting is, of course, fabulous - a glance at the cast list should tell you that - and I really can't praise it enough. As a directorial debut this is a pretty fine piece of work. Thoroughly recommended - and I would add that Hoult puts in something of a smouldering performance, that should not be missed by fans and/or admirers. It will raise your heart rate substantially. If you have not seen it yet, make sure you do. 5/5

#2 - SAW 3D

Stars - Costas Mandylor, Tobin Bell, Cary Elwes, some other guys, Chester Bennington

Director - Kevin Greutert

Memorable Quote - 'Game over.'

Review - I... used to like the Saw franchise. I did. I found it an amusing exercise in 'what would I do' situations. Then it was sort of amusing how the participants in each trap would do the exact opposite of what they should do, generally screaming a lot, and thus seal their own fate or that of someone else. However, somewhere along the line something seems to have gone wrong. I'll blame two things here - greed, because knowing people will give you money for a half-hearted effort might convince you to go ahead with it, and the advent of 3D, since that seems to be an excuse to put in special effects and forget about the plot. For that precise reason, I have not watched a 3D movie at the cinema; I watch them on my normal television screen, because I want to watch a movie, not a Disneyland ride. And truthfully, once the effects are taken away, there isn't much to this. Even the gore is unconvincing, right from the prosthetic body being severed in the first trap to each spray of blood. There are about five thousand goofs, Jigsaw is revealed to have had ANOTHER accomplice (seriously, did he even make enough traps to have that many people helping him without knowing each other?), and someone it was implied was very dead before just pops up like that, with no satisfactory explanation - simply some filler about Jigsaw being caring/evil again. Completely bored of this now, and I've just lost two hours of my life I can't get back. And why the hell was Chester Bennington in this?! Ridiculous. 2/5

#3 - SOURCE CODE

Stars - Jake Gyllenhaal, Michelle Monaghan, Vera Farmiga, Jeffrey Wright

Director - Duncan Jones

Memorable Quote - 'What would you do if you knew you only had one minute to live?'

Review - Whew. This one is very exciting. Following Captain Colter Stephens, a helicopter pilot who must relive the same eight minutes of another man's live over and over again in order to find out who the culprit is behind a terrorist attack in which the man died, the film can at times be harrowing, at others touching, at others still it makes your heart race. You find yourself becoming the backseat detective, second guessing what he ought to do or what you would do in the same situation, all the while ultimately rooting for Stephens to save the day. With a couple of twists that will keep you on your toes, it does not stop going for a moment - only two points I would call into question: the explanation of the mechanics of the source code and how the events can change within a memory is not satisfactory, and a couple of lazy flashes in the middle where we do not actually see any action. Other than that it is perfect, pushing all the right buttons in the right ways, until you cannot help but cheer as Stephens takes his final ride into the source code. Gyllenhaal's performance is exquisite as ever. A superb film which needs to be watched. 4.5/5

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True Grit, There's Something About Mary, Dead Poet's Society

#1 - TRUE GRIT (2011)

Stars - Jeff Bridges, Matt Damon, Hailee Steinfeld, Josh Brolin

Director - Ethan & Joel Coen

Memorable Quote - 'Mister Cogburn, in your four years as a US Marshal, how many men have you shot?'

Review - I've not got around to seeing the original yet, though a review will follow at some point. This, however, is what can only be described as a masterpiece. Westerns in the 21st century are few and far between, and while some are brilliant, others fall short of the mark. This, however, is the best I've seen yet. Bridges is magnificent as the gruff old marshal who really truly cares for the runaway child who forces herself into his care, and Damon puts in a performance that will put his critics to shame. Steinfeld is eye-catching and convincing, able to challenge the already well-established actors on her own ground. Cinematography, direction, all of it is perfect, and it's enjoyable in all ways. The only flaw comes towards the end, as poor greenscreen work fails to match the background with the action of Rooster and Mattie riding. If only they had just bothered a tiny bit more, this would have been an easy 5 rating. 4.5/5

#2 - THERE'S SOMETHING ABOUT MARY

Stars - Cameron Diaz, Ben Stiller, Matt Dillon, Lee Evans, Chris Elliott

Director - Farrelly brothers

Memorable Quote - 'Frank and Beans! Frank and Beans!'

Review - From the moment that the film kicks off with a little spoof song about Mary, performed by Jonathan Richman(a repeated theme throughout), and Ben Stiller's re-teenaged face appears, you know that this is going to turn out to be a pretty damn funny film. Despite the annoying, slightly passe fake dog fighting scenes, the story is both cutesy and hilarious, as Ted fights to win back the love of his life, Mary, battling against fake architects and cripples and hives-suffering stalkers. Some of it is silly, yes, some of it highly unrealistic; but some of it, such as Ted winning the trust of Warren and his declarations of love, verges on the heart-warming. Stiller has come to be known as an actor that can provide world-class comedy performances no matter where he crops up, and this is no exception. See it now - it will brighten your day. 4.5/5

#3 - DEAD POET'S SOCIETY

Stars - Robin Williams, Ethan Hawke, Robert Sean Leonard, et al

Director - Peter Weir

Memorable Quote - 'Carpe diem, seize the day boys, make your lives extraordinary.'

Review - This is something that really ought to be seen by everyone, just because it's a beautiful film. Just about every single line is quotable, and the storyline itself is uplifting. Following a group of boys in a stuffy all-boys' school, their lives are changed with the arrival of a teacher whose methods encourage them to think for themselves instead of letting their lives pass by uneventfully. Recreating an old secret society sets into action a chain of events that will have you laughing along with them - until one of the boys is forced to make the choice between his dream and his father's wishes, and finds himself unable to do so. Although the conclusion is tragic, and the aftermath brings up some uncomfortable questions about guilt and conformity, one boy's final act of defiance will have you cheering until the credits. What more can I say? See it for yourself - you won't be disappointed. 5/5

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From Hell, Planet Terror, The Ghost Writer

#1 - FROM HELL

Stars - Johnny Depp, Heather Graham, Ian Holm, Robbie Coltrane

Director - Albert Hughes, Allen Hughes

Memorable Quote - '"From Hell". Well at least they got the address right.'

Review - This is a rewatch, and quite an enjoyable one. A side-note here is that if you're ever in London with nothing planned, you should definitely check out one of the 'Jack the Ripper' walking tours, they are excellent. If you're lucky in your choice of guide, they are also hilarious. Then, when you've been on one of those, watch this movie, and it will all unfold like a prophetic vision! All of that aside, I don't think it's possible to find a bad Johnny Depp film these days, so you probably already know what kind of a verdict this will get from the cast list. It takes a neat twist on the tale by following the inspector rather than the Ripper himself, and while it does give an explanation we know that this is only conjecture. The rather romantic ending - with Kelley's disappearance rather than death - is, sadly, complete fabrication, though it does make a nice ending, doesn't it? And in the land of film, that's all that matters. Good effects, just enough gore, nice script and a beautifully created atmosphere: suitable for all fans of the murder mystery and/or Johnny Depp. 4/5

#2 - PLANET TERROR

Stars - Rose McGowan, Freddy Rodriguez, Josh Brolin, Marley Shelton, Bruce Willis, Naveen Andrews, Stacey Ferguson

Director - Robert Rodriguez,

Memorable Quote - 'It's go go, not cry cry.'

Review - First off, I haven't seen 'Death Proof' yet, which is why this is not a double review feature. Possibly some of the effect is lost when you don't see them together, but that's something I won't be able to comment on until a later date. Taking it as a film in it's own right, this is probably one for the nerds. If things like a 'missing reel' in the middle of the action, scratchy effects all over the screen, and distortion of the images sounds appealing to you, go watch this immediately, because you'll love it. It's funny, sometimes almost kitsch, and entertaining throughout. 'Ugly Betty' fans might be a little bemused by the appearance of sandwich guy Gio appearing as an epic badass who manages to achieve a kill count of at least fifty as well as impregnating a one-legged go-go dancer in one hit, though he takes to the role well; McGowan is edgily sympathetic, and Shelton can't help but make you think of Uma Thurman in 'Kill Bill'. With all the hallmarks of a Tarantino/Rodriguez flick, I think it's worth giving it a shot if you liked movies by either director in the past - it's unlikely to disappoint in the entertainmanet stakes. 4/5

#3 - THE GHOST WRITER

Stars - Ewan McGregor, Pierce Brosnan, Kim Cattrall, Olivia Williams

Director - Roman Polanski

Memorable Quote - 'If we meet any terrorists, I'll text you.'

Review - Why should you watch 'The Ghost Writer'? Ewan McGregor. The storyline probably won't do it for you. The script is quietly very witty, but that might not be enough to move you either. Pierce Brosnan has never, let's face it, been very good, and he plays the Prime Minister much like he would play, oh, say, a spy. That is, in a one-dimensional manner. Which is fine, because he isn't the focus of the storyline - McGregor is. You can't help but care about whether or not he's going to be pushed off a boat somewhere, and after a while you even forget that his American accent is not the most convincing of jobs (hell, it's better than Sean Bean's, and he plays Americans all the damn time). The directing is good, but so subtle that you might not notice how good; the locations are fantastic; the whole thing is doused in a kind of unease that is just right for a thriller. Either you'll leap right in and it will entertain you, or you'll sit back and it won't. You'll have to work for it, though - this isn't the kind of film that will grab you in, you have to make the first move. My advice? Make it, or you'll be wasting a couple of hours of your life. 2.5/5

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