Con Air, Bangkok Dangerous, The Human Centipede

By my calculations, I am now only three blogs behind with this review business! Ah well, at least you know I'm not about to run out of material.

#1 - CON AIR

Stars - Nicholas Cage, Steve Buscemi, John Cusack, John Malkovich, assorted others

Director - Simon West

Memorable Quote - 'What if I told you insane was working fifty hours a week in some office for fifty years at the end of which they tell you to piss off; ending up in some retirement village hoping to die before suffering the indignity of trying to make it to the toilet on time? Wouldn't you consider that to be insane?'

Review - 'Con Air' is one of those films whose name you hear a lot, but not necessarily in connection with either praise or mockery. It was without many preconceptions, then, that I started watching it - and I have to say, I enjoyed it. Nicholas Cage puts in a rare believable performance, picking a good script for once, and in fact he was probably the perfect person for the role. The casting department did well, actually, since Malkovich makes a good criminal mastermind; Buscemi gives arguably the most interesting performance as the supposedly dangerous criminal who actually does less damage than Cage's hero character, and you can't help but want to cheer when he appears in the final scene. Packed full of explosions, stunts, and one liners, it's a treat for any action fan, with just enough intelligence and humour to appeal to a wider audience. There were a number of goofs throughout the movie, and if you live in Las Vegas I imagine the entire climax scene will make you cringe, but I suppose you can't take it too seriously. The storyline is engaging, pushing you towards the end as you wonder how they can possibly resolve the situation without it all going horribly wrong. Cusack gives a good turn as the good cop, though exchanges with his superiors stray a little too close to farce; it also illustrates why he should never be an action hero, when you compare this movie to, say, 2012. Good effort all round; good enough for a night in with a DVD. 3.5/5

#2 - BANGKOK DANGEROUS

Stars - Pawalit Mongkolpisit, Premsinee Ratanasopha, Patharawarin Timku, Pisek Intrakanchit

Director - Oxide Pang Chun, Danny Pang

Memorable Quote - n/a

Review - This film has perhaps a strange premise even in the world of cinema: a deaf and mute hitman. I'm not entirely sure how he managed to survive, without being able to tell whether or not someone was sneaking up on him or indeed strolling around out of his line of sight, but apparently he does and for the sake of enjoying the film I'll accept that. The character of the low-class stripper was not one that I found very sympathetic - she seemed needy, dumb, and amoral, not really having any qualms about benefitting from murder. Plus, her make up was terrible. It's no wonder, really, that her boyfriend ended up dead - if it hadn't been this situation, there would have been another. The film follows the Eastern tradition of a great warrior overcoming insurmountable odds, as Kong takes down an entire warehouse of goons singlehandedly. The use of laser sights was ingenious, and leant a slice of reality to the scene. I didn't understand the necessity of the ending - after all, he could simply have allowed the bad guy to go to jail and never walk properly again - but it was particularly stupid of the love interest to try shouting at him. The shooting style (by which I mean cameras, not guns) was distinctive and bold, particularly during the rape scene, although I was not a fan of the presentation of the flashback to his childhood. All in all an enjoyable watch, but not for those who dislike violence or tragedy. I suppose now I'd better go see whether or not Nicholas Cage ruined the remake. 4/5

#3 - THE HUMAN CENTIPEDE

Stars - Dieter Laser, Ashley C. Williams, Ashlynn Yennie, Akihiro Kitamura

Director - Tom Six

Memorable Quote - 'What an insane world we live in.'

Review - Dear God. Whoever it was that allowed Tom Six to actually put this film out was clearly either a sycophant or a cretin. No, not because of the 'shocking' premise or the graphic details, but because this is a truly awful movie. The two females could not act if their lives depended on it, and they probably only got the part because they were the only people stupid enough to agree to shove their faces in someone else's bum for an entire movie. Their voices are annoying as hell and you actually begin to hope that someone will come along and horror movie them up, because at least then they wouldn't be talking any more. Unfortunately, after the 'operation' they continue to scream and whimper continually until the end, and I'm surprised the doctor didn't just kill them to get some peace and quiet. The token Japanese simply spouted stereotypical nonsense for his entire part, as if the script had been taken only from things said in anime, and he was clearly there for nothing more than to amuse the audience (which he failed to do). Dieter Laser, sadly for him, actually put in a really good performance, but it was completely wasted on this dross of a film. The plot repeated itself after the operation, as if Six wasn't really sure what else could happen and needed to fill in the time, and I felt as if I was watching the same scene over and over. The ending was dramatic but badly acted, and also strung out for too long. Six is clearly more interested in getting his name in the papers with shock value than actually being a film director or script writer. Really, if you haven't seen it already, don't bother. 1/5

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Frankenstein, Flare Path, Starship

It's that time of year again... theatre special!!

#1 - FRANKENSTEIN

Stars - Benedict Cumberbatch, Jonny Lee Miller, Naomie Harris

Director - Danny Boyle

Memorable Quote - 'All I ask is the possibility of love!'

Review - By now, if you've been paying any attention at all, you'll have heard a lot about Frankenstein at the National Theatre. It was the kind of thing that cannot be missed, and I'm ecstatic to say I didn't. What a treat it was! The direction was world-class, not to mention the acting, the costuming, the effects and make up... It's fair to say it blew me away. Let's go through everything in order then, from the moment we entered the theatre. The ringing of a gigantic bell at certain intervals, marking out ten, five, and one minute to go before the start, set the audience jumping even before they began. The strange, drum-like object spinning round with the moving centre of the stage held our attention, certainly, but we had no idea what it was or what its purpose might be. So, imagine our surprise, then, at the monster's birth - as Jonny Lee Miller climbs out of that stretched skin, which we now understand is some sort of scientific placenta! That's right - he was there all along, naked and covered in grotesque make-up-scars. The next few moments are funny in a pitiful kind of way, as the young monster gradually tries to learn to stand up, and finally, joyfully, learns to run around. Miller's performance is touching, and well-studied: it is easy to believe that he really is experiencing the world for the very first time, as rain falls down from the rain machines and he tastes the grass, as well as his own toes, and he yells with joy at the first sunrise. Cumberbatch's appearance as Frankenstein is, for the time being, brief; for the moment we only focus on the monster. Despised by everyone, but then taken in by a kindly old man (Twister Turrell, for 'Lark Rise' fans, playing a posher variation of the character). There are two distracting characters in the form of the farmer and his wife, who seem to overact their parts, but Miller easily outdoes them with his 'snow' scene and the humour of his exchanges with the old man - some of the jokes subtle enough that a ripple of laughter spreads across the audience a moment or two after the line has been delivered. This segment (complete with an actual entire house that descends from the ceiling and returns to it) ends in tragedy, as did the last; as, you begin to feel, might every segment.

The set changes are nothing short of amazing. My theatre-going companion nudged me multiple times throughout in wonder at the way it would sink, rise up with an entirely different set on it, turn to reveal another set built on the back of the other one, rise up at an angle to create a slope, drop away and leave a chasm, and so on and so forth. It was used to its utmost, something that the director must be credited for. There was not an ounce of potential on that stage left unsqueezed, and the play was all the more spectacular for it.

Onto the Frankenstein family now; and though Naomie Harris fit very well as the subordinate but fiery fiancee, Frankenstein senior was very badly cast. The high pitch of his voice left everything he said amusing rather than serious or intimidating, quite ruining some of the scenes, and the play might have been perfect without him. Each twist and turn of the plot was fascinating and the tension was palpable - every time Frankenstein turned his back, or every time he made a deal, we were holding our breath waiting for the monster, or some other sort of tragedy, to strike. We were in for a shock again as Miller leapt out of a perfectly-made bed that seemed only moments before to have been totally flat, and the rape/murder of Frankenstein's fiancee, though inevitable, was horrifying in both the actions themselves and the monster's regret.

The final scene, as Frankenstein pitifully chases his monster through the arctic tundra, and his monster both taunts and cares for him, has to be the most emotionally charged of them all. Finally giving us a clear view of the real dynamics of their relationship - both hating each other, envying each other, and indeed loving each other at the same time - it brings the play to a dramatic but well-thought-out close, a close that earned the loudest cheering I've ever seen in a theatre. At times it was so well done that I almost felt I was watching a screen rather than a live performance; even the few slip ups that were doubtless made slipped by unnoticed, giving the play a veneer of flawlessness. I would recommend it to all and sundry, but it's over now; still, if you ever get your hands on time travel technology, that's one time and place you'll have to check out. Despite the few flaws, I cannot rate this down by even half a point. Beautiful. 5/5

#2 - FLARE PATH

Stars - Sienna Miller, James Purefoy, Harry Hadden-Paton, Joe Armstrong, Mark Dexter, Clive Wood

Director - Trevor Nunn

Memorable Quote - 'I fall in ze drink!!'

Review - As a follow-up to my 'The Little Dog Laughed' review, here's another play starring someone from 'Robin Hood'! Yes, it's Joe Armstrong this time, though unlike Harry Lloyd he does not in fact get his kit off in this play. It would be rather out of place - in the stiff-upper-lip atmosphere of a British air base in WWII, it seems there is little time for real frivolity. What partying there is is merely a cover for the real emotions going through the wives of the men of the forces - worry, fear, sorrow, and more. Miller and Purefoy are a tad lacklustre in this play; Miller shines only when paired with her stage husband, Hadden-Paton, while her lack of chemistry with Purefoy is palpable. Still, this is the only area where the play falls down; the script is immaculate, bringing to life all the troubles of the time as well as drawing a beautifully detailed picture of each individual character. From the pilot suffering from a terrible fear of letting others down that he hides under goofiness, the old-fashioned couple who love each other more than they dare to say, and the uptight hotel owner, through to the actress who has never acted selflessly before and the actor who thinks love will save his career, each individual shines through every scene. Sheridan Smith is surprsingly good - the leading female, for me - as the new wife of a man who she does not think will return from a mission, and there were not many dry eyes in the audience when his letter finally revealed how he really felt about her. The man himself, a Polish pilot, was played magnificently by Mark Dexter. With impeccable comedic timing and an amazing ability to hold a character (I don't think I saw one single twitch of an eyelid that was not Johnny through and through), he was the real star, and the gasps of the audience as he appeared at the back of the room in the final scene were a testament to this. Even in group scenes he dominated - you could see him trying to listen closely and translate what the others were saying even in the first scene, where he had few lines, and it was difficult to stop watching him and pay attention to the others. In the previous scene we may have shed a tear over his tragic story, but now, during his recounting of what had happened since his crash, it was tears of laughter that were falling into our handkerchiefs. It was here that the play at last reached its full potential, as the story gained pace and voices towards the call of 'he fall in ze drink!', pausing only momentarily to catapult us out of the doors on the rousing call of 'I don't want to join the air force...', a song that was no doubt stuck in many a head for a long while afterwards. Something, again, that is not to be missed, it will leave you with a feeling of pride for our Great British traditions and history, a feeling of sadness for those who went through the war, and a feeling of joy that we did, indeed, get through it. 4/5

#3 - STARSHIP

Stars - Joey Richter, Joe Walker, Lauren Lopez, Brian Holden, Dylan Saunders, Denise Donovan, Meredith Stepien, Julia Albain, Brant Cox, Jim Povolo, Joe Moses, Jamie Lynn Beatty, Nick Lang

Director - Matt Lang

Memorable Quote - "He cut me right in half... vertically... like hot dog style, not hamburger."

Review - Now at last, something you can watch from the comfort of your own YouTube! 'Starship' is proof irrefutable that Team Starkid don't need the help of an existing universe, or Darren Criss' performance, to put on a good show. In fact, they proved that they can put on an original production and smash it right out of the ball park. Set on an alien planet inhabited only by bugs and cute mammals that provide their food, the action is precipitated by two things: the desire of Bug to become a Starship Ranger, and the arrival of a troop of the said. Joey Richter takes over the position of leading man once again, showing off a much improved singing voice, cooler hair cut, and more hilarious range of facial expressions than ever before. The star turns as always come from Joe Walker and Lauren Lopez, two Starkids who always carry the performance no matter their roles. Walker's soldier-gone-soft is both hilarious and emotional, evoking parodies of many a video game or manga character whilst still creating a fresh approach. Lopez on the other hand provides plenty of laughs as the battle-hardened Hispanic soldier - "One more comment like that and I will wrap you up in a tortilla and eat you!" being an example of a typical line. The rest of the cast are less remarkable, though Brian Holden puts in a good performance as Junior; Denise Donovan, the newbie, is memorable in a bad way, however - her voice is irritating and she overplays the dumb blonde act almost to the point of destroying some scenes. The other characters, particularly Richter's Bug, manage to redeem her - but only just. The storyline is as charming and packed full of drama as ever, with excellent writing from Criss and everyone involved. The technology has ramped up - microphones are a very welcome addition to the stage, and for the first Starkid performance ever I didn't need the lyrics sheet to figure out what was being sung. The use of puppets I was at first skeptical about, but they made it work, and after a few scenes it began to seem a thing of normality. There was not much I could criticise save Donovan, and the subplots - such as Noodles' growing relationship with MegaGirl - were just as enjoyable and enchanting as the main action. A thumbs up all round; a little cast tweaking aside, the Starkid team have done what they do best yet again: providing quality entertainment that is ideally suited to the young modern audience. 4/5

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The Day the Earth Stood Still, Cemetery Junction, Cabin Fever 2: Spring Fever

Aliens, zombies, and rock and roll!

#1 - THE DAY THE EARTH STOOD STILL

Stars - Michael Rennie, Patricia Neal, Billy Gray, Sam Jaffe

Director - Robert Wise

Memorable Quote - 'We have come to visit you in peace and with goodwill.'

Review - This was a rather big surprise for me, in a way that I think would strike other modern viewers: just because it is in black and white, does not mean that the effects are outdated. This great sci-fi offering manages to be believable throughout, and Rennie makes a star turn as the alien himself. The key to the success of the special effects is their simple, understated nature: we don't need to see some fancy melting animation that will be out of date in ten years, a flash of blinding light is enough to convey the basic idea. The characters are also uncomplicated, almost simplified stereotypes of human beings. Although the concepts are more complex, they are, therefore, easy to swallow and understand, keeping you interested throughout. I enjoyed the time after the alien's escape from hospital more than I did the time after his discovery in the streets, largely due to the calm, friendly feel to this situation that paints the alien as compassionate and a good father figure. Also due to the fact that we all know, by now, how boring I find chase scenes. Although the way he is portrayed adds up to make him seem as though he 'came in peace', his actions during the film do raise some questions about his alignment. To break up an engagement, cause international panic and mayhem, and leave without a second thought do not seem the correct ingredients to make a hero. However, end results of his visit aside, this is an enjoyable watch, unmissable for sci-fi fans and recommendable to all film fans alike. Given its age, it is readily available on television, online, and in libraries, so there is no excuse to miss out on this. 4/5

#2 - CEMETERY JUNCTION

Stars - Tom Hughes, Christian Cooke, Ralph Fiennes, Ricky Gervais, Matthew Goode, Felicity Jones

Director - Ricky Gervais/Stephen Merchant

Memorable Quote - 'Freddie, stop listening to music made by poofs. Stick on some Elton John.'

Review - I'm the first to admit that seeing Ricky Gervais' name plastered all over the DVD cover made me expect the worst. I wasn't even looking forward to watching it, but simply watched it because it was there and nothing else was. And I have to say, it blew me away. This is a finely-tuned drama with great comedic moments, that takes you through a rollercoaster of emotions as you realise the hidden tragedies behind each character's life, and the joy of overcoming them. The characters themselves are well-cast and strongly played, so that we follow every twist of their lives with bated breath. My only criticism on this front was the over-annoying performance by David Earl, but considering that Gervais and Merchant asked him to play his own character I suppose that's the only effect of the "worst" that I was expecting. In all other ways the film was very impressive - the directing, the script, the soundtrack were all exceptional, and the main trio (Bruce, Snork, Freddie) were powerful enough to make you care about what happened to them. The film drives you forward right to the very end, and beyond, to the point where you want to know more about what happened to them and whether they ever really made it out. A surprising and masterful piece of work from a directing duo I would not previously have recommended. 5/5

#3 - CABIN FEVER 2: SPRING FEVER

Stars - Noah Segan, Rider Strong, Alexi Wasser, Rusty Kelley, Giuseppe Andrews

Director - Ti West

Memorable Quote - n/a

Review - This film is a very strange entity. It calls itself after another film released in times past; it appears to follow on from the storyline of said previous film; and yet two films could not be more dissimilar. 'Cabin Fever' dealt a frightening horror punch combined with a twisted sense of humour, whereas 'Cabin Fever 2' delivers a frighteningly bad comedy combined with a twisted sense of horror. Little more than another teen movie, it seems more concerned with how many sex jokes can be made in the space of two hours than with any kind of worthwhile or plausible plot, and I feel as if I've just watched multiple Michael Cera wannabes auditioning for the next teen spoof, nothin more. This is simply a case of cashing in on a film brand, with no actual value. What a shame, particularly for Eli Roth, whose name can only be tarnished in association. 1/5

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East is East, My Sister's Keeper, Young Guns

We're back on track! Didn't I promise there were more to come this week? No need to thank me, just enjoy!

#1 - EAST IS EAST

Stars - Om Puri, Linda Bassett, Jordan Routledge, Emil Marwa, Chris Bisson, Jimi Mistry, Raji James, Ian Aspinall

Director - Damien O'Donnell

Memorable Quote - 'Bastar'!'

Review - 'East is East' is kind of a strange film. Part of a British film scene that is gritty, sometimes shocking, sometimes funny, and always down to earth, it has joined others such as 'This is England' in gaining both notoriety and respect. The cast list reads like a who's who of British TV actors - Eastenders, Holby City, and The Bill are all represented, and many will be easily recognisable with those familiar with television broadcast at tea time. That isn't a reason to be put off, by the way. At times this representation of Muslims living in Britain will make you cringe, whether in sympathy for the pain of an operation or at the political correctness that seems to have gone missing a little bit. We have to sympathise with the children of the family, all but one of whom are utterly repressed. Not wanting to follow their father's traditions but being forced to anyway, it's clear from the word go that something big is going to have to happen for things to have any sort of resolution at all - someone is going to have to back down. Rude, honest, and full of laughs, 'East is East' still reverberates with our current cultural situation despite being set in the 1970s. My one criticism is the way it deals with domestic violence; although this is in the end meant to be a light-hearted film, it dismisses George's actions too easily, in a way that could be interpreted as a return to business as usual. At no point does he apologise or even suggest that he has learnt the error of his way, and this is something that I feel should be clarified more, if only to ensure that the less quick in the audience get the right message. 3.5/5

#2 - MY SISTER'S KEEPER

Stars - Abigail Breslin, Cameron Diaz, Alec Baldwin, Sofia Vassilieva, Thomas Dekker

Director - Nick Cassavetes

Memorable Quote - 'Most babies are accidents. Not me. I was engineered. Born to save my sister's life.'

Review - From the trailer alone you can tell that this movie will not be easy going. That you'll probably end up crying buckets by the end. And the trailer does not lie. Everything about this film is steeped in emotion - from the offset, the tragedy of this family's life is revealed before you, and the individual tragedies of a young girl fighting cancer and her sister who knows she was only born to be 'spare parts'. It's a tearjerker for sure, and most of the casting, most of the script, most of the scenes are perfect... with one exception. Diaz should not have been put into this movie. She is totally wrong for the role, simply playing the same character she always does in a way that here feels fake and annoying. We can see the fact that she is acting. This is a terrible casting mistake that almost threatens to ruin the entire movie, and it is saved only by the brilliance of the young members of the cast. The star character for me, if not the star turn, is the boy who Kate falls in love with, fellow leukemia sufferer Taylor. The most heart-wrenching moments in my opinion came when Kate began to complain that he had not contacted her; in your mind you already know why he has not, and the conclusion is not a happy one. Seeing her life through these flashbacks, you begin to understand why Kate has made her final decision - what kind of a life is lived in hospital, watching everyone you meet there die and knowing it is your turn soon, no matter how many operations you have? Worth a watch by anyone's estimation, particularly if you're able to blank out Diaz, without whom this would have been a five star film. 4/5

#3 - YOUNG GUNS

Stars - Emilio Estevez, Keifer Sutherland, Charlie Sheen, Terry O'Quinn

Director - Christopher Cain

Memorable Quote - 'He ain't all there, is he?'

Review - Well, there's nothing like watching Charlie Sheen play a crazy guy right after the world realises how much of a crazy guy he is. His death scene holds enough melodrama to outfit the rest of the movie, but it doesn't stop there! This is more of a caricature than a real Western, but that doesn't stop it being good, harmless fun. I have to say that it's quite amazing how many old films I've watched starring Terry O'Quinn since Lost finished, and you can't help but feel he must be double-crossing them in some way because of it; ah, the perils of taking strong roles later in life. Still, there's plenty to chuckle about here, joining the great American tradition of rehashing history into an action comedy, and the facts be damned. Even the little ending sequence about what happened to the gang members later in life is wrong, but hey, I guess if you wanted to know the facts you'd head to Wikipedia, right? There isn't much else I can say about this, except that if you want a nice easy night in, this is the way to go. 3/5

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