Martyrs, Pirates of the Caribbean: On Stranger Tides, The Matrix

#1 - MARTYRS

Stars -  Morjana Alaoui, Mylène Jampanoï

Director - Pascal Laugier

Memorable Quote - ' It's so easy to create a victim, young lady, so easy.'

Review - Martyrs, like a few I've reviewed recently, is really two films masquerading as one. The first part is a horror/redemption story: haunted by the memory of her abduction and torture as a child, and by the girl she could not save, Lucie tracks down the family that did it to her and murders them all. While certainly containing a lot of gore, and holding some key horror elements, it is not really scary. It's clear even from the start that the 'demon' attacking Lucie is in her own mind, and the only emotion it evokes is pity as she is unable to refrain from hurting herself. Ana is a sympathetic character, both disgusted by Lucie's options but wanting to comfort Lucie herself, making her very believable. The second half of the film, unfortunately, is not as palatable as the first.

As Ana was captured I felt a sinking feeling; I could see there was a large amount of the film left, and I had a  good idea of what was coming. At that point I did not want to watch any further. If I was watching it casually, and not intending to review, I would have turned it off. The hour of what I can only describe as torture porn is not pleasant at all, and quite frankly the entire concept is ridiculous. The message of the final scene is far too weak to outbalance the glee felt by her captors, and I cannot help but think that this is a film that would inspire copycats rather than deter them. Sometimes you have to draw a line between what is acceptable in film and what is not. In my personal opinion, this goes too far. I would give the first half 3/5, the second not even a 0/5. You will gain nothing by watching this, so I advise you not to.

#2 - PIRATES OF THE CARIBBEAN: ON STRANGER TIDES

Stars - Johnny Depp, Penelope Cruz, Ian McShane, Geoffrey Rush, Kevin McNally, etc

Director - Rob Marshall

Memorable Quote - 'Did everyone see that? Because I will not be doing it again.'

Review - I'll say two things about this. First, I'm glad they've moved away from the Will/Elizabeth side of things, since the only way that would have taken the franchise would have been down. Second, I'm disappointed they cast Ian McShane, because the only way he's taken the franchise is down. I mean, really - Ian McShane?! I know he has a bigger profile in the US right now thanks to 'Deadwood' and all that, but... Ian McShane?! What were they thinking?! Cruz just about pulls it off and Depp is as fantastic as expected, but unfortunately the most interesting part of the movie was the preacher/mermaid subplot. Cameos from other familiar faces were there just to please those who've seen the other films, and I fear that this is yet another victim of the "fourth movie curse". Let's face it, it's not very hard to make a brilliant movie when you've got Johnny Depp playing one of his most likable characters ever. Someone, somewhere needs to wise up. 3/5

Alright, admit it, you only wanted to read this review for pictures of Johnny Depp, didn't you? Here you go then:

#3 - THE MATRIX

Stars - Keanu Reeves, Laurence Fishburne, Carrie-Anne Moss, Hugo Weaving

Director - Andy and Lana Wachowski

Memorable Quote - 'Unfortunately, no one can be told what the Matrix is. You have to see it for yourself.'

Review - What an appropriate quote! And yes, it has taken me until the year 2011 to get round to watching The Matrix, and since I am almost certainly the only human being with eyes that had not seen it before now, I suppose this review is verging on being entirely pointless. Still, I would like to say that I enjoyed it, despite the fact that there were many plot holes that were actually created by things being taken out of the film (such as Cypher's ability to go into the matrix with no outside help, being explained by his programming skills), and despite the fact that everyone just looks so nineties. I'm not one to question Neo's tastes, but I suppose if Trinity was the one woman available to him then he sort of had to pretend to fall in love with her, really. That's the only explanation that makes sense to me. Still, can't help but cheer a bit at the end, and admire the bullet time sequences as truly visionary. The films that everyone has seen hold that status for a reason - as clearly demonstrated here. 4/5

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Disaster Movie, Age of Heroes, Ironclad

#1 - DISASTER MOVIE

Stars - Matt Lanter, Vanessa Minnillo, Gary Johnson, Nicole Parker, Crista Flanagan, Ike Barinholtz

Director - Jason Friedberg, Aaron Seltzer

Memorable Quote - ... n/a

Review - Dear lord, do they actually make franchises out of this crap? I'll admit I only decided to watch this because I was ill and wanted to laugh at something stupid, but I barely managed that. Some parts of this were stupid, yes; the problem lies in the fact that the parts that weren't stupid were ridiculously stupid. Probably the only funny part was the insult-off involving the Prince, with his posh accent. Half of the impressions made little sense (Amy Winehouse with fangs?), and half of the movies they spoofed weren't even disaster movies. One of the main characters was Juno, for goodness' sake! One of the cuts was the wrong way round in such an obvious way that we saw character reaction before the event... and I could go on. It's a shame because the actors involved, particularly Lanter, Parker, and Flanagan, have real skill and could probably go far with the right material. I could easily see Lanter in the kind of teen disaster movie they were parodying here; though if I was a casting director, this is the kind of thing that could put enough of a black mark on a resume to make me hire someone else. Such a shame that talented people put their effort into such a worthless piece of film. 2/5

#2 - IRONCLAD

Stars - James Purefoy, Brian Cox, Kate Mara, Derek Jacobi, Paul Giamatti, Mackenzie Crook

Director - Johnathan English

Memorable Quote - 'You are no more a king than the boil on my arse!'

Review - Oh, dear. What a shame! This could have been one of the best of its genre. It had all of the ingredients: a heavily embellished medieval war story, an underdog element to rival '300' except they actually win, a great British cast, even a love story... and yet. Something, somewhere along the line falls slightly flat. The effects are visceral, but perhaps a little too much effort was put into producing horrific wounds and deaths that should have been spent elsewhere; some of the mise en scene is fantastic, but the wider graphics tend to fall a little short; the elements of the plot are all there, but not enough time is invested into really exploring them. How does the young woman really feel about her husband and his death? Does Purefoy's character resent her advances or welcome them? Does he feel guilt for breaking his vows? I'm also dissatisfied with the "happy ending", in which the two of them ride away penniless, probably to be shunned by all and sundry as a woman who abandoned her Lord and a man who broke his vows. Not to mention the fact that the people were already antagonistic towards him earlier in the film, I hate to imagine just how the two of them would have spent the rest of their days. Oh, and of course nothing in the film actually happened in this way in reality. 3/5

#3 - AGE OF HEROES

Stars - Sean Bean, Danny Dyer, James D'Arcy, Izabella Miko, John Dalgleish

Director - Adrian Vitoria

Memorable Quote - 'Let's have a family photo.'

Review - The title may not convey it, but this is in fact the story of how Danny Dyer was a bit of a geezer  but his heart was in the right place, but he got put in army jail anyway. Then Sean Bean whisked him off to be a commando in the hills and eventually they went to fight Nazis in Norway, whilst making sure that Alfie from 'Lark Rise' doesn't get captured. Almost every fact in the entire thing is fabricated, of course, and quite frankly if that was the first commando mission I would have disbanded the commandos for being patently rubbish. The Nazis were on their tracks for the whole movie, managed to work out that they would return to the farm, captured one of them, and they even took a civilian back with them, which they weren't really supposed to do. James D'Arcy has a pretty much unnecessary role as Fleming, but I'm not complaining because, hey, it's D'Arcy. All in all a bit odd, but a slightly interesting watch when you've nothing better to do. 3/5

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La Horde, Knight and Day, Night of the Living Dead

#1 - LA HORDE

Stars - Claude Perron, Jean-Pierre Martins, Eriq Ebouaney, Doudou Masta, Yves Pignot

Director - Yannick Dahan, Benjamin Rocher

Memorable Quote - 'Come on, you old farts!'

Review - This, along with Mutant, is part of something I have very much enjoyed so far: the French zombie scene. For whatever reason, it seems that the French approach zombies differently to American (terrifying, stark, lots of gore) and British (funny, lots of gore) directors. This take on the genre sees a group of policemen who have decided to take vengeance for the death of another cop into their own hands, rather than using the law, storm the block of flats where the killer and his gang hide out. Although they are almost immediately caught by the gang and held captive, this is the least of their worries, as today happens to be the day that the dead rise. Rather than an infection, this is presented as a case that affects all the dead; a bite will cause gangrene, the gangrene will kill you, and then you will rise again as a zombie. The only thing that seems to stop them is a shot to the head or taking out their legs, and they are super fast and super strong. The action is pretty intense, as every single fight scene is epic and long - see Aurora throwing a fridge on top of one zombie, and Ade bashing another's head against a concrete post until his face is gone. Dramatic and full of shouting, screaming, running, gunshots, quick fighting, rampages - this will lead you in a headlong rush from start to finish, and while the ending may cause you to despair at humanity, it is exciting all the way to the credits. If you're up for gore, heroics, fight scenes and emotion, look no further. 4.5/5

#2 - KNIGHT AND DAY

Stars - Tom Cruise, Cameron Diaz, Paul Dano, Peter Sarsgaard, Marc Blucas

Director - James Mangold

Memorable Quote - 'I've been trained to dismantle a bomb in the pitch black with nothing but a safety pin and a Junior Mint, I think I can get you in and out of some clothes without... looking. I'm not saying that's what I did.'

Review - Well. At this point Cruise has become typecast enough that I don't actually have a problem with him being a spy/agent/secret person etc etc. That doesn't stop him from being totally smarmy, nor does it stop Diaz from being annoyingly faux-ditzy, an act which only ever lasts for a scene or two before she suddenly becomes able to dodge bullets and fight gangsters. Because I'm sure that all normal people would react in exactly the same way. It's a shame, because with a castlist that includes Paul Dano (a genius of our time) and Peter Sarsgaard (forever creepy, forever powerful), this could have been something really special. Instead, it's so-so, and the action takes over the acting. Maybe it's a little impressive that Cruise does his own stunts, but then on the other hand if I wanted to see stunts I'd look for a stuntman, not an actor. Meanwhile, it's nice to see Blucas of Buffy fame back on the screens, and he's cute but oh-poor-him as ever. A lot of the plot was full of holes and irritating for it, and you can't take this as anything other than the light-hearted side of the Die Hard genre. Even more lighthearted than 'Mr and Mrs Smith'... if that's possible. 3/5

#3 - NIGHT OF THE LIVING DEAD

Stars - Duane Jones, Judith O'Dea

Director - George A. Romero

Memorable Quote - 'We may not enjoy living together, but dying together isn't going to solve anything.'

Review - From a modern French zombie flick, back to the movie that inspired it and all others like it. 'Night of the Living Dead' is a true classic. Despite the fact that it was filmed in black and white, despite the outdated ways of talking and dress, despite the low-budget and rather DIY special effects, this still has a real visceral power that will scare even the most ardent horror fan. With an ending that was perhaps the most important plot twist in the history of cinema - certainly a plot twist that still shocks when it is used today - and the portrayal of a black man as the educated, brave hero at a time of racial tension, this film is incredibly important even before taking into account the fact that the zombie walk, the way they devour the living, and even their vacant expressions stem from this film and the decisions made by those involved. Created on a shoestring budget and refused by all distributors before its eventual release, this is a clear proof of what can be achieved if you really put your mind to it. Tiny budget, no-star cast, sfx that included the use of ping pong balls for eyes - nothing was going to stop this becoming a classic, and a classic it is - rightfully so. 6/5

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