The Blair Witch Project, GI Joe: Rise of the Cobra, Bad Teacher

#1 - THE BLAIR WITCH PROJECT

Stars - Heather Donahue, Michael C. Williams, Joshua Leonard

Director - Eduardo Sanchez, Daniel Myrick

Memorable Quote - 'It's not the same on film is it? I mean, you know it's real, but it's like looking through the lens gives you some sort of protection from what's on the other side.'

Review - What a treat! A horror movie that is actually quite scary? It's been some time since I witnessed one of those. Now, I'm sure I'm a thousand years behind everyone else, but I think there's a reason that the Blair Witch has become deeply embedded in our cultural consciousness: it's simply fantastic. From the realism of the fact that the actors really were terrified and annoyed and walking around in the woods for days only to end up in the same spot, to the successful filming techniques that make it seem all the more real as well as making it scarier by allowing us to see but not hear the menace, this is an almost perfect scary movie. My one possible criticism (and I had to really think to come up with one) is that the ending felt a little closed off to me - we were presented with the murder method described earlier in the interview scenes, giving us a more concrete idea of what might have murdered them, rather than leaving it open as some unknown supernatural force that could have been the ghost of the murderer or could have been the Blair Witch, or even something different. If, like me, you've waited this long into the 21st century to see it, I advise you to do so immediately. 4.5/5

#2 - GI JOE: RISE OF THE COBRA

Stars - Christopher Eccleston, Joseph Gordon-Levitt, Byung-Hun Lee, Sienna Miller, Dennis Quaid, Channing Tatum, Marlon Wayans

Director - Stephen Sommers

Memorable Quote - "When our master was killed, you took a vow of silence. Now you will die without a word."

Review -  It's hard to believe, sometimes, that people in movie universes can be quite so stupid. If I, who was only watching from a television screen and kept looking away in order to eat snacks, can recognise Joseph Gordon-Levitt from one twitch of an eyebrow, it really is amazing that his own sister and her fiance were completely unaware as to his identity even when he was stood right next to them. Still, that's Hollywood for you, and for me the whole film seemed to fall just a little bit short. Maybe it was aimed at a younger audience, or maybe I'm just jaded. Either way, it seemed a little like Star Wars for superhero-fan kids, with a couple of nods to their parents thrown in, and no true entertainment value. It passed a couple of hours for me, but the plot holes kept me from relaxing and I won't be watching it again voluntarily. A middling and forgettable effort. 2.5/5

#3 - BAD TEACHER

Stars - Cameron Diaz, Justin Timberlake, Jason Segel, Lucy Punch

Director - Jake Kasdan

Memorable Quote - Something about a squirrel

Review - Bad teacher? More like bad acting, bad casting, bad storyline. I felt nothing more than a vaguely nauseated boredom whilst watching this. The "plot twists" were obvious from the very outset of the movie, and really the protagonist is unlikeable in every way. It's quite a shame that she ended up with anyone at all quite frankly, since she basically destroys the Squirrel woman on purpose without even wanting to be with the guy she ended up with. If this was reality I should be very concerned indeed for the fate of the children in the school who needed guidance, and actually I can't be bothered to waste any more words or effort on this review. 1/5

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Once Upon a Time in the West, Pulp Fiction, RED

#1 - ONCE UPON A TIME IN THE WEST

Stars - Charles Bronson, Jason Robards, Claudia Cardinale, Henry Fonda, Gabriele Ferzetti

Director - Sergio Leone

Memorable Quote - 'He not only plays. He can shoot too.'

Review - Good lord, Morricone is a genius of our time, is he not? The musical score in this is spine-tinglingly good, to the extent that some of the action was actually written to the score - a technique that delivers amazing results. Even in less obvious compositions, such as the frankly amazing opening scene, sound is all-important and used to its full potential. Harmonica Man may actually be less famous than his own theme music, but he's a damn good Western character, with a tragic backstory to avenge, a preternatural ability to only show up at pivotal moments, and the ability to outfox every other character on screen. Cheyenne is a lovable rogue, a man you almost want to see end up with the heroine after all, and his final scene is both poignant and a great summary of the character himself. Frank is suitably evil throughout, while Morton is instead a pitiable figure; Jill, meanwhile, is a perfect female lead for a Western: gutsy, strong of character, and not afraid to play a few games herself. The plot is driven, and it drives us on to the finish - as each character tries to outwit the other, we gradually boil away all of the deception and bravado until we finish with the simple contest of two men, who will blink first, and who is quicker with a gun. This is Western movie gold.

Here's a final thought to sum up the awesomeness of this movie: the three guys on the train platform at the start were originally supposed to be Blondie, Angel Eyes, and Tuco. Imagine that as the start of a Western. Imagine that. 5/5

#2 - PULP FICTION

Stars - Samuel L. Jackson, John Travolta,  Uma Thurman, Bruce Willis, Tim Roth, Ving Rhames

Director - Quentin Tarantino

Memorable Quote - 'They speak English in "what"?!'

Review - What a classic! One of the most quotable films in existence, you can't go far on the internet before running across a line from this. Like many of Tarantino's films, it is punchy, bloody, and memorable. Each character is well-formed and distinct, with even Bruce Willis managing to look as if he's actually acting. Jackson is clearly the stand-out performance - not surprising when you consider that the role was written for him - but Roth is also a star as the restaurant-robbing 'Pumpkin'. I could go on and on about how awesome this movie is, too, but if you've seen it you already know that. If you haven't seen it, what are you waiting around reading this review for? Go watch it now! 5/5

#3 - RED

Stars - Bruce Willis, Morgan Freeman, John Malkovich, Helen Mirren, Mary-Louise Parker, Karl Urban

Director - Robert Schwentke

Memorable Quote - 'You just got your ass handed to you by a goddamned retiree!'

Review - There's one thing I'll always stand by: no one does insane guy who wants to kill everybody like John Malkovich. I mean, Steve Buscemi's pretty good at it, but come on... John Malkovich! Here at his rambling best, he joins a cast that have certainly seen better years - though I actually fail to see much difference in the age-based evolutionary stages of Bruce Willis between now and the movie above. When they talk of aging it is with a certain poignancy, since these are actors who have graced our screens since they were much younger, now finding themselves relegated to the older-person roles. It's funny, convincing, and above all fun, and while it won't be winning any awards for the cleverest film, it's certainly more than enough entertainment for a night in. Who can argue with a cast list like that, anyway? Stick any more screen legends in it and you wouldn't have room on the front of the DVD! 4/5

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Splice, The Jacket, Trainspotting

#1 - SPLICE

Stars -  Adrien Brody, Sarah Polley, Delphine Chanéac

Director - Vincenzo Natali

Memorable Quote - 'If you could understand crazy, it wouldn't be crazy.'

Review - 'Splice' is about two young scientists, incredibly gifted and in love to boot, who discover a way to mix DNA from different sources to create a life-form that can cure many diseases. When they are forbidden from including human DNA in the mix, they go ahead and do it anyway, and their secret project becomes humanoid female Dren, a creature with strong rabbit-like legs, a lethally barbed tail, and several other unique abilities. Hilariously, someone cast as Brody's younger brother has been Brody-fied, seemingly for not much reason considering that he only has about four speaking lines. Although we start with seemingly innocent experimentation and a need to be a mother, we quickly descend into something far more horrifying as Dren's abilities soon put her out of her 'parents'' control. The conclusion is bloody, and certainly raises ethical questions about parenthood as much as it does about experimentation. Brody fans will love it, realism fans perhaps not as much. 4/5.

#2 - THE JACKET

Stars - Adrien Brody, Keira Knightley, Kris Kristofferson, Daniel Craig

Director - John Maybury

Memorable Quote - 'Sometimes I think we live through things only to be able to say that it happened. That it wasn't to someone else, it was to me.'

Review - Ah, must have been Adrien Brody week when I was watching these. Well, this is actually quite a pleasing watch, as it will give modern viewers the shock of their lives: Keira Knightley, being American, getting naked like she always used to, and actually having skin on her actual bones. For once she does not seem about to snap in half, although whether that is due to her weight or to the fact that Jack Starks keeps propping her up is in debate. This slightly strange time-travel story follows Starks after being shot in the head in Iraq, losing his memory functions, and being implicated in a murder of which he is innocent. Sentenced to insanity, he is put into the jacket as part of a new psychological experiment that ought to cure him, according to his doctor. Instead, he discovers the ability to move forward in time by fifteen years, in order to try to solve his own death. Brody is of course compelling - he really does look sick for most of it, and when we are locked into the jacket along with him the scene is harrowingly personal. My one disappointment is that Craig's character - brilliantly acted, actually, and very interesting - seems little more than an extended cameo. Still, a good effort. 4/5

#3 - TRAINSPOTTING

Stars - Ewan McGregor, Johnny Lee Miller, Ewen Bremner, Robert Carlyle

Director - Danny Boyle

Memorable Quote - 'Choose Life. Choose a job. Choose a career.'

Review - A classic this, and for good reason. Though the characters may glorify heroin, the film itself does not, and we follow these five unfortunates through their experiences with the drug. Renton wants to stop using it, but cold turkey's incredibly hard. Sick Boy can stop any time he wants, but it takes nothing short of tragedy to convince him he wants to. Spud's desperation to get money for the drug lands him in jail, while Begbie's rejection of it does nothing to stop the police hunting him down over his anger problems. Finally, Tommy seems to be leading a great life, until his curiosity over his friends' habits becomes too much to resist. With many memorable and harrowing scenes (Baby Dawn, the Worst Toilet in Scotland, Renton's withdrawal, the fight in the pub), you can't help but actually feel a little bit relieved when Renton walks away from it all at the end. Sure, Sick Boy and Begbie might miss out a bit, but at least you feel that Renton might have a chance at actually getting that life he's chosen. Disgusting, shocking, funny, and moving - an essential watch for anyone over the age of eighteen, I'd say. 5/5

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La Confusion des Genres, Un Jour de L'Ete, Never Let Me Go

#1 - LA CONFUSION DES GENRES

Stars -  Pascal Greggory, Nathalie Richard, Julie Gayet, Cyrille Thouvenin

Director - Ilan Duran Cohen

Memorable Quote - n/a

Review - Bit of a strange one, this. Alain has several problems in his life: their names are Laurence, his (female) boss, who he decides to marry for mutual benefit instead of love, Christophe, his young gay lover who tells him to be with whoever he wants (but that he doesn't have to be happy about it), and Marc, his jailed client who obsessively asks him to contact his ex-girlfriend. 'Confusion' is something that abounds here, and though much of the film follows him in and out of the beds of the people in his life, there's time for some characterisation too: Greggory does a great job of showing the little childish habits of Alain, as he fiddles constantly when discussing important subjects and slouches against the walls. The ending seems almost to give an idea of happiness for the future, although ambiguously so: will he just slip right back into his old ways? I would imagine that this film is not for everyone, but it is interesting nonetheless. 3.5/5.

#2 - UN JOUR DE L'ETE

Stars - Baptiste Bertin, Catherine Mouchet, Jean-Francois Stevenin, Theo Frilet

Director - Franck Guerin

Memorable Quote - n/a

Review - Somewhat of a B-movie, this. The storyline never quite gets underway, though it has a ton of dramatic potential. A French town is left reeling after the accidental death of a teenage boy: who was to blame? How can his friends cope with his death? And just what were those feelings that his supposed best friend really felt for him? Although it purports to be a coming-of-age, coming-out-of-the-closet story the film itself shies away from these elements, leaving us only the barest hints as to what our main character truly feels. Indeed, it seems just as likely that he may have a crush on his best friend's sister or mother than his sort-of friend, with whom he shares a strange and disjointed relationship. If you're expecting a big storyline with dramatic twists, this isn't the place for you: the most dramatic part of the whole lot is a dream sequence, and the majority of it is filmed inside cars. 2.5/5

#3 - NEVER LET ME GO

Stars - Carey Mulligan, Andrew Garfield, Keira Knightley

Director - Mark Romanek

Memorable Quote - 'It had never occurred to me that our lives, so closely interwoven, could unravel with such speed. If I'd known, maybe I'd have kept tighter hold of them.'

Review - Starting out as a simple tale of affection between two schoolchildren at an uptight British boarding school, it soon becomes clear that there is more to this film than at first assumed. Based on a Kazuo Ishiguro novel, the tone throughout is one of almost unearthly strangeness - the quiet and softness belies the theme. It transpires that our three protagonists are facing something worse than a love triangle - the fact that all three of them have been 'grown' as organ donors, and their lives exist only for this purpose. The crushing reality that they face can perhaps be taken as a warning - a message for how far we are willing to go in the future. As for the acting, I rather wish Knightley hadn't been in this as her "star status" outshines the role, when it should be Garfield and Mulligan that take the spotlight (as indeed they try valiantly to do - Mulligan with a strong, emotive performance and Garfield perfectly awkward with natural mannerisms). Without giving away the ending, I'd say this is one that is worth watching. A good show all round, really. 4/5

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